trying to find it myself
it escapes me every time --
but I try again
it's many different things
all are so very real
but none are sold
call off the search
I remembered the key --
I forgot to ask
I repent, and --
may I?
will You?
please?
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You must pray that the way be long, full of adventures and experiences. -- Constantine Peter Cavafy
I think I summed up some of my feelings to Becka earlier today:
"I have my ticket and I'm ready to board, but the train's not here yet."
It's like being on the verge of good things you've always wanted but they aren't available right now. And knowing that at some point, you have absolutely no control over when they get here. Trying not to let the loneliness and the anxiousness overpower you, but become insanely frustrated and unable to communicate it to others that couldn't possibly understand where you're coming from (not that they aren't trying, and heaven knows you're grateful for such attempts to listen and help). It's enough to make a girl go mad just thinking about it, because you're not quite sure how to make it better...even to do one little thing now that will help get you past this point while you're doing all the things that are going to pay off later but don't show much result right away.
It's difficult to sum up how I've been, because it's a different answer for every different area. I'm excited about one thing and pretty low about another. I start to think about all the things that I want to do and get very frustrated at not being able to do them for one reason or another (and there have been attempts to do them), and all the little complications add up and I get angry and frustrated. I don't know if I've ever had such a difficult time trying to explain how I feel or not known how to "fix" it. And maybe it's just today and tomorrow I'll feel better...maybe.
I was caught in a hailstorm today. It was crazy. I was driving home and it start beating up the car. I don't think I have ever driven in hail before.
I feel a little disappointed by today, a little bit by the week. But, some of it is lesson to me to do more and work harder. I can't really count on people to work around my schedule, I have to work mine around them. And...I can't get all caught up in organizing and forgetting about the bigger stuff (i.e. people). I must commit myself and ignore nerves! Right? Right.
I have been lagging in my attempts to post consistently...I will try to do better.
Today is September 11th, flags are raised only half-way, organized moments of silence are prevalent, and everyone is sharing stories of the heroes, the ones that were lost, and where they were that day.
I am not usually a patriotic person, I am fairly apathetic towards America on a daily basis. But in 2001, when the towers fell I was genuinely proud of this country. I remember how our president (who I don't generally agree with) showed great character and took a stand. I was amazed to see Americans everywhere rallying around one city and those that lost so much. I loved that no one around me took on a "run and hide" attitude, they all stood together. People that usually fight over everything stuck together over this one thing. It was like one event brought a huge country of extremely diverse people and for the first time in a long time made them remember that we are all connected. So when we remember now we don't just think back on the people who suffered and lost their lives with sadness, but with pride. And if I am patriotic just one day out of 365, I have no shame saying that this is it.
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History is important.
As a habit, I change a lot. It has to do with a deep sense of introspectiveness and a desire to be better. I've been looking over the past year or so (or longer) and am realizing exactly how different I've become. It's all good too, I'm exceptionally happy with where I am now and the fact that I'm getting better like good wine is a nice feeling. If you were around me a lot you would see these things, and I wonder if you would start to feel like you could never fully know me because once you got me all figured out the latest upgrades would appear.
The most wonderful thing has happened amidst my ever-shifting self, I became comfortable with it. And it almost seems as if the biggest upsets are behind me and I can focus on the things I want to. I am centered and just fine with whatever happens around me. I used to be quite the creature of fear. A year ago, if I had been presented with Arbonne to start my own business I would have run away and now I greet it with nervous excitement. The same goes for new challenges in my current job, music, art, family, and relationships. So many things are going on in my life, and I am OK with each and every one of them. The things that depress me only do so for a day or so and I can easily tell myself, "We'll see how things go tomorrow, it'll be a new day." Previously, I would have been insecure and upset for days trying to sort it all out. I've found my niche, where I don't freak out about problems and look for a solution instead.
All I can say is that it is oh-so-very nice.
And should you be the type resistant to change or unable to recognize it in other people, I think you should work on that. Embrace the immutability that is life and keep getting to know people, even if you've known them for years they can't be the same -- and neither can you. Keep giving everyone (which, yes, includes you) more chances to get it right or make it better.
I'm really into this song right now, and usually I would just take a piece of it and use it as the quote at the end of the entry...but I really want to post most of it:
Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
-- KT Tunstall, "Suddenly I See"
