Moved!

It's true...now you should go here to find me:

The New Site

Enjoy.  :)

Getting Back to Me

Today I am not doing anything at all.

I slept in late and stayed in bed even when I was somewhat awake, drifting in and out.  Smiled when I got the "Good morning babe.  Heres to your day being perfectly relaxing." text I got.  And then finally rolling out of bed around noon, when I decided I really wanted a peanut butter sandwich.

It's been pretty much perfect.

I have been working so much lately, there was literally not a day I didn't have a bunch of work or commitments on my plate for almost three weeks.  Not a single day off among them.

I have been tired, stressed, and on the verge of drastic behaviour for awhile.

So I quit my job at the daycare, Wednesday was my last day.  I was sad to leave, but very relieved at the same time.  It was the right thing to do.  Just one job for me now.

I've been wanting a day to just do as I please.  Nothing required of me, allowing myself to procrastinate for just one day.  To not even think about all the little things that need to get done that I haven't had a chance to do because of all the big things I was having to do.

Tomorrow I'll get lots of little stuff done.  And tomorrow I'll tell you all about the other stuff going on (relationships, London, introspection, etc.).

Today, I am recharging.  I am staying away from anything that might drain my energy or frustrate me.  I'm listening to myself and following my own whims (even though I'm not very whimsical today, laid-back more than anything).  That's it.

See you tomorrow...

Insanity

I have been working, really and completely literally, every single day and will be until Saturday.  And even when I am not working, I have things to do and people to see...Saturday the little brother is graduating and all that fanfare will occur.

And then there's the guy.  He's pretty much fantastic and we are loving every minute of being together...

So, this is just a briefing to say that I have lots to tell you and beautiful things to write about but I have really not had the time (and well, haven't had much ambition to when I'm off hanging out with him).

So, lovelies, I'll talk to you soon...

;)

Here Come the 123s...

Or 71, 72, 73s...

More stuff you never felt the need to know about me!

71. I have this paranoia about throwing things I'll need away.  Not in that way that people end up with all this stuff they don't need in their house all pack-rat like, but I literally mean, "Oh crap, that was my phone that went in the trash with all the other stuff I just threw away."  I  always make double sure that my keys are in my pocket when I go to take trash to the dumpster, etc.

72. I have things on my mind all the time to add to this list that seem to float away from my remembrance the minute I sit down to write an installment...

73. I will go to pretty much any live show someone invites me to or I happen to stumble upon.  I adore live music, and if the music isn't all that good...it's still live music and it makes me happy.  I don't think anything will change that ever (not that I'd want it to).

74. I have a new best guy friend that I'm not sure how I got along without.  He's tons of fun and his name is G.  The coolest thing about him is that I don't ever feel like I need to explain myself, I can say the craziest things that just pop into my head and he gets it.  Basically, he's like the male version of yours truly...scary, yes.  People keep asking if we're dating, and the answer is no because we're that much alike.

75. I own Backstreet Boys imports, you know, the CDs that have different songs on them because they were released in Europe and not here...this is more of a confession than anything.  I was big into them for awhile...and I still like them (this will be used against me now, I know...).

76. Sometimes it takes me forever to open my mail.  It just collects in a pile until I remember I need to open those envelopes and see what's going on.

77. I have been known to just buy new underwear instead of doing laundry because I didn't have any clean ones for the next day...often.

78. I'd much rather let someone else drive on most occasions.  However, there are only a handful of people that I can sit back and not tell them what to do the whole time or make comments on what they're doing.  In other words, there are only a couple I won't hesitate to hand my keys to if I don't want to drive and I trust them.

79. Dishonesty is kryptonite to any type of relationship I'm in, friends, family, or boyfriends.  I hate when people lie to me or aren't completely honest about what's going on.  I tend to shut down when people do that to me and it may be the one thing that prevents me from reaching out to someone.  I just don't deal with it.

80. I hit the lock and unlock buttons about a zillion times before and after I get out of the car.  Because, you know, I have to be absolutely sure I locked or unlocked the car.

That's all for today, lovelies.  See you next time...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And baby girl you so may-ja'

They should front page-ya

God bless the parents that made ya...

-- Fabolous, "Make Me Better"

Things I Am Excited About Tonight:

(In no particular order).

The Office is all new

Tofutti and reisling all for me

Two new magazines to read

The house all to myself

Anticipation of good things tomorrow

My MacBook Pro (still)

Being me (always)

Little Post, Big Thoughts

So I just realized that I start a lot of sentences with "so."

Anyway...I'll be posting a tad hastily today because I have about thirty minutes before I have to leave my trusty spot at the Drunken Monkey and be somewhere else.  It will be a nice change though as I hope the next spot is warmer (ice cold air conditioning and a vegan milkshake do not make for a toasty Alexis).  I do wish I had a bit more time because I've got a lot on my mind and nowhere to put it.

Have I mentioned how very delicious the vegan milkshakes at Drunken Monkey are?  They're amazing.

On to the big stuff.

So (See?  There I go again) I posted recently about the loneliness that creeps up on me, and while that still rings true I feel the need to point out that I'm not one to settle.  I'm actually incredibly picky and it takes a lot to wow me into forming a crush or getting an inkling of like.  I pretty much know what I'm looking for, and if I don't see it you're out of luck.

I also don't really plan on jumping head first into a crazy relationship just because I don't like being all alone.  Especially because, hello, I've got approximately six months to go before I've moved to another country.  And while the moving to another country thing hinders a few things, I don't think it ruins my chances of starting something here before I go (iSight and iChat exist for a reason).  I bring this up because someone mentioned it to me the other day in context of "What will you do if...?"

What will I do?

I will hope that the person is worth making long-distance work, that's what I'll do.  Because that's one of a few options.  The others being...break up or he can frickin' move to London.  Basically, as to wondering if I fell madly in love with someone in six months and they asked me not to go I know that I'd say they shouldn't have asked and then get on the plane.

As much as I would love to be in a relationship, I can't manage to not be irritated at the thought of my whole life revolving around one.  I lost my individuality and lost sight of myself with the last one I was in and I very much refuse to allow that to happen again.  A good relationship allows that other person to be who they are and do what they have to do.  The process of getting back to myself after that messed up relationship (it didn't start off that way, but it went sour the closer it got to the end) was just so long and draining and I wouldn't want to do it again...especially because that would mean getting myself into another relationship that has to end because it's bad in order to get to the point of needing to get over it.  It would be a vicious cycle and you see where I'm going with this.

Anyway...I have to go but that's been on my mind and I wanted to get it out because, my dear readers, I know quite a few that empathised with that loneliness post and I want you to know that you should not have to sacrifice yourself in order to get rid of loneliness.  Plus, just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you won't end up feeling lonely sometimes anyway...

Mwah!  I'll write something more eloquent soon...

Hey, y'all!

I hope I'm back with a vengeance.  My Macbook Pro arrived via FedEx today and it's so pretty. 

I know it's not just pretty, it has so much more to offer.  I can't wait to have it fully set up with everything.  I need to get a bunch of stuff transferred and taken care of, but I've been getting all the little things done.

It's terribly exciting.

So, hopefully regular posting will resume and I'll be blowing your mind with the literary magic I spin here.

Mwah!

Bad News Good News

Bad News

My computer died. I can't get into it to access anything I need, which is all mostly online. I'm typing this up on my dad's awful laptop. Is it just me, or is it just not the same using someone else's computer? You don't have everything set up the way you like and you can't play with it the same way you use yours. It's just weird and you never end up spending as much time on it as you do your own. Anyway...my computer crashed and isn't worth repairing.

So...

Good News

I'll be ordering my new Macbook this week. And that, my friends, is what we call excitingjoyhappinesseuphoriarelief. I will be a tad giddy when it arrives, just to warn you.

And if I'm not as quick in responses or reading blogs or anything that involves prolonged access to a computer, I apologize.

Not ashamed...

...that I really like when my parents leave me the house for at least one night alone.

...of how much I truly love my friends.

...of how much I love to dance.

...that sometimes, I make mistakes. Big, small, whatever...everyone does and we live and move on.

...to say that I think I'm really awesome.

...of working hard and playing hard.

...that I love The Boondock Saints so much.

...to say that, no, I am not good with money. Fiscally responsible? Sorry, not me.

...of my amazing skills. In the kitchen, in various creative departments, in wit, in...well...a lot of stuff.

...of my family. They be crazy, but they make me laugh, find me hilarious (most, anyway), and are always there for me when I need them.

...of hanging out by myself at home, drinking a little wine and getting actual rest that I've been missing (have I mentioned how little sleep I've gotten the past few weeks due to the work hard/play hard philosophy I seem to live by?).

...that my fantasy-crush on Hyde (yeah, a fictional character) is...intense.

...that music is my bliss.

...of wanting to get married sooner or later, without being in a huge rush...just, you know, before I'm thirty would be nice.

...of my love for European literature.

...that I stress myself out about my weight too much (I'm a girl, it's what we do).

...that despite this stress I put on myself, I find quite a few physical features that I know to be simply fantastic. I'm hot.

...of being a vegan. Seriously? All my health issues I used to have? So not a problem anymore.

...that I think history is fun to read about.

...of who I am.

...to say that I've run out of things to say...

jumbled

I must apologize for not being around much as of late.

I can tell you that there are all sorts of things that I'd love to tell you, but none of which I can really articulate. Basically, all this stuff is going on in my head and I'm having trouble putting it into words.

Until then, someone should come and sing this to me, I couldn't find a good video so you'll have to make do with lyrics (one of my all time favourite songs):

Oh, my heart is a thoroughbred
I can't sleep in my bed
Everything is burnin' up inside me
I need somethin' I can feel
Cigarettes and a driving wheel and
Oh, my god, when you cross your legs beside me...

I know true love don't love like anybody else
I know your heart don't beat like anybody else

When it all comes down to kerosene
And sorry signs on cash machines
And it don't look like anything you've dreamed of
I won't let you give it up
With sorry sighs and forced bad luck
Come on baby, let's see what we're made of...

I know true love don't love like anybody else
I know your heart don't beat like anybody else

And all these burnin' battlefields are now behind us
Life has brought us here together to remind us
That love will rise above it all and just keep growin'
Life keeps flowin', and every moment starts right here with us...

I know true love don't love like anybody else
I know your heart don't beat like anybody else...

(Mason Jennings, "Sorry Signs on Cash Machines")

Friday Night

It's been raining quite a bit here in the Sunshine State. That's actually fine by me, as I happen to love the rain (especially here where it's not the cold, biting rain, but just kind of chilly rain that feels good between the hot days).

Last night was rainy and the roads were wet, and I had to be on them. Usually, my favourite thing about rainy days is staying in, taking a nap if it's during the afternoon, or getting the best kind of sleep at night. But I was babysitting for my boss and was forced to brave the weather.

As I took a curve underneath an overpass I notice some cop cars under it and slowed down a bit, as I realized my speed might not be the best under the wet circumstances. A little nervous as I thought maybe they caught me going too fast. Sure enough, they pulled onto the road right after I passed, and I started muttering "Oh crap, please don't pull me over, please don't pull me over..."

But then the lights came on right behind me and I won't pretend that what I said wasn't worse than "crap."

The officer came over and asked for the license, registration, and insurance (How lucky was it that my dad had just handed me the new registration that morning before I left for work? True.). He then helped me find the insurance card, as I had no idea what I was supposed to be looking for. Seriously, I barely remember the one and only other time I've been pulled over and so I couldn't remember what I was supposed to give him. So he watched me fumble a bit and gave him the right insurance stuff that was right where it was supposed to be with the manual.

Then he asked if I knew why he'd pulled me over.

"I was speeding...?" In the kind of helpless, meek, I-don't-come-here-often, type of voice because I was pretty panicky on the inside.

"You were going about 70 in a 55."

I give him the, "HolycrapI'msosorryIdidn'trealize" eyes, kind of stammer, "I didn't...I must not have been paying attention...I..."

"The highway slows down from 65 to 55, do you travel on this highway regularly?"

"I don't really ever come down this far..."

"Where are you headed?"

"I'm supposed to babysit, near _______"

"When was the last time you got pulled over?"

Sincerely wracking my brain, because it has been a long time, "Um...like...a year or two ago...?"

Then I waited nervously as he went back to the squad car to determine my fate, knowing I was going to die if I got a ticket. But, I thought, he practically handed me my excuse (even though I wasn't lying when I answered his questions, it was all true)...maybe I'll just get a warning. But, I thought, I was going way over the speed limit there and maybe he's not allowed to just give me a warning if I'm going that fast.

He came back and asked me who was in the military. I told him how my mom was retired Air Force, and he told me he was giving me a warning. I was so relieved, I thanked him. He asked me to be more careful as the roads were wet and you know, bad things could happen.

And then I was so thrown off guard I forgot to use my turning signal when pulling back onto the road.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not drunk, I wanna go home, officer
It's been a long road and I feel awful
I'm not drunk, I wanna go home, officer
And that's all, that's all, that's all

With a warning I check my wipers and defog
I notice my mind is on the floor
But I must move onward

So I pick a song and I sing along
While lofty dreams dance on and on
Over a place I'll live forever

I'm not drunk, I wanna go home, officer...
-- Kate Earl, "Officer"

There's Always An Explanation

My parents are looking at getting another, inexpensive car/truck to get me so that my mom can have her car back (someone rear-ended me last July and wrecked my trusty Tacoma, Galahad). Basically, they're get something cheap at auction that they could resell when I move off to another country.

My mom called me today from the auction to tell me the options they might bid on:

Mom: This Chevy was pink.
Me: What? Like...what kind of pink?
Mom: Well not like pepto-pink, but kind of a hot pink...
Me: Seriously?
Mom: Well is it has really great mileage on it...
Me: Yeah, because someone was probably too embarrassed to drive it around!

I name all my cars, and I feel that if I got a pink truck not only would I have to suffer the teasing torture of every male friend I have (and girls too, yeah) but I would also have to name it something like, "Frenchie." I don't know how I'd deal with a pink truck I called Frenchie...

Luckily, there's another one in white...

The Lover Without a Lover

All the kiddos (well, the two of them that were there today) were down for their naps when I initiated a very short conversation over text messaging:

Me: I should so be in therapy.
Becks: Because of the kids?
Me: No, just 'cause I don't make sense.
Becks: LOL

But it's true. I don't feel like I make sense. And I'm blaming it on being lonely.

I was never very good at being lonely. I always wanted the closeness of another person. Before I had experienced it I just longed to know what it was like, and after knowing it I just really miss it. I always feel like I have a well of love that can't be emptied and want someone to give it to (just not in a smothering kind of way). And a huge part of me gets a little irritated by it when the only words I have to describe it are cheesy and make me feel really, really vulnerable just putting them out there. I've always wanted to get married and have kids and care for my husband and babies. It's always been a natural thought process that I could do that, that I desired it and not much else.

I have it on good authority that I make an excellent girlfriend and those authorities inform me I'll make a fantastic wife. The Ex himself would still tell you that to this day (and so would his mother). One of his friends that has become a good friend to me detailed to me once in an e-mail why seeing me be that girl that's really cool and fun on her own but also goes all out for the guy she's with made me so attractive. It was the first time someone expressed to me from pure observation reasons I should be a coveted partner. (And I am not with that guy who said those things now because? Because I can't return any sentiment to him beyond "I treasure your friendship.") It made me cry because I was feeling the loneliness, because of the truth in the words, and because I didn't know why there wasn't someone I wanted to be with that saw and loved those things. I don't cry easily or often, so that was uncomfortable.

I haven't let the loneliness have any spotlight for awhile. Meaning I just haven't allowed it to be around. I've been on dates, or even just spent time with guys I might be interested in that might have been interested in me. When it didn't work out I didn't give it much thought, not to say I didn't feel a little twinge wishing it could have. I was doing really well "dealing with singlehood." Perhaps that had to do with all the other things I felt going on in my life. Or it was enough that I was putting myself out there.

Or I struggled with wanting something and being afraid of it at the same time. Cautiously keeping my heart on my sleeve where it's always been and hoping I'd meet someone with a guarantee that I could let myself fall in love with.

I told you I don't make sense.

I don't make sense because I find myself in this world the feelings and emotions have made up in my head. And I feel like a pathetic fourteen year old girl that thinks her romantic fantasies will play out exactly the way she dreams them up. I can't stand the part of me that has ridiculous daydreams about a guy that I know won't be around and I won't have. I don't want to spend my time thinking on perfect scenarios that will never play out in the real world.

I am not saying that I'm wanting to be realistic in the sense that I'll settle for whoever asks me first. I'm just saying my make believe world is fit for movie magic and I am not so naive as to think I will be living out The Notebook.

Parts of me are fighting with each other and all of them are angry with Loneliness. There were several opinions against writing this post as it makes us out to be whiny and too much of a stereotypical girl...or something like that.

What it boils down to is me cuddled up under my big comforter at night, surrounded by two regular pillows, four smallish ones, my trusty blanket, holding Bear, who I've had since I was two, and feeling cold. Because there are no strong arms there, no shirt collars that smell of smoke, and no steady breathing matching mine. No warmth.

And don't mistake this for a simple need for an extra body in my bed. I crave intimacy that knows to leave me to myself when I need to cry for one of the three or four times a year that I do. Intimacy that has inside jokes and secrets no one else knows. That is quiet and doesn't require a lot of talk, but is full of laughter and silliness. That tries to understand the system set up for the closet and my processes that can't be interrupted when getting ready in the morning. That doesn't need to say "I love you" out loud for it to be known. That can take me on in a fight, call me out for being stubborn or ridiculous, can accept that in return, and knows not to "just let me win." Intimacy that isn't shy in thought or emotion but doesn't run around shouting things off of mountaintops or skyscrapers.

There's so much to say about it. I just have so many moments lately where it's washing over me and I feel heavy with a longing to love someone like that.

So now I'm exposed and you know my secret. One that I don't usually like to talk about, anyway. I blogged in a moment of weakness...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You don't need to change
a thing about you, babe,
I'm tellin' you,
from where I sit you're one of a kind.
Relationships, I don't know why,
they never work out and they make you cry,
but the guy that says goodbye to you
is out of his mind...
-- Griffin House, "The Guy that Says Goodbye to You is Out of His Mind"

Now what?

I was ready for an argument. I was ready to listen to someone tell their side but stand my ground anyway. I knew we thought differently, I know we have different approaches and don't always see things the same way. I knew he'd have good arguments and I'd need to be ready to counterpoint with my own brilliant logic.

I was prepared for the possibility that things could get a little heated, and that I'd be getting just angry enough to say things that aren't very nice. That I would get frustrated and flustered the way I do when things turn into raised voices and tempers flaring a little bit. That I might say those things you always want to but won't unless they come out in that heated moment (I was actually kind of hoping that they would).

And then he had to throw me off by being all rational and making sense and calmly acknowledging where he'd gone a tad wrong. That jerk.

So I had to respond in kind, and have a nice, civil conversation where we actually got things pretty much sorted out between us. At least enough to ensure we're still friends and will continue to be for what will hopefully be a nice, long time.

Or something like that.

Now I want to build up to a tiny yelling match with someone...

Who says you need to know how to count?

Because of poor planning on my part, I haven't actually done a good job of numbering my 100 things posts. So the numbers didn't add up right because I wasn't keeping track very well. To correct this, I've started adding them to another document so I can see them all laid out (I'm a bit visual, so that helps me) and now I have them corrected. But I ended up with one extra, I guess I did eleven one post where the plan was to do ten every time. To even it out I'm going to do nine this time and then proceed from there.

Ironically, one of the things on that list is how I never even tried to learn things related to math in school...

Here we go, numbers 62-70:

62. I failed Chemistry twice in high school, and I really tried to understand it. Did. Not. Get. It. I felt like they just explained it the same way every time and I was all, "Dude, I am not understanding this and I need you to find a way to speak to me..." But they didn't, so I failed. Both times. When I had to take it in college I signed up for an on-line course and my brother basically did it for me. I got a B.
63. I have been called a tease on many occasions. I am always really surprised when this happens.
64. I'm a musical freak. I love them. I could sing you the whole Rent and Wicked soundtracks and do well with many others. Note that my favourites are those with Idina Menzel originating roles (Maureen and Elphaba, respectively) because, seriously, I adore her. She's amazing. I was that kid that sang and danced along to every movie and soundtrack (and still am, actually).
65. I really can't stand when you leave someone a message and they don't even acknowledge that they received it. It's probably one of my biggest pet peeves. I had to explain this to a friend recently in a "Hey, I know you're busy, I'm just lettin' you know that if I get snarky with you about you not calling me back, that's why..." kind of way. I think those were close to my exact words. Because, seriously, it's so rude.
66. I was also raised with the understanding that trying to talk to someone who is on the phone with someone else is pretty much an unwritten deadly sin. Apparently, not a lot of other people know this.
67. I don't like skinny guys. I mean really, why would I want to be with you if you make me look fat by comparison? Ok, so I'm not that shallow, I just really like strong, comfy shoulders and not little, pointy ones.
68. I have only had one actual boyfriend and he didn't come along until I was twenty. I had dated before, but the Ex was the only one that took me on quasi long term. We don't talk anymore.
69. My nails grow really fast and it irritates me because I like them short and hate taking the time to sit down and clip/file them down.
70. I avoid bookstores because I know there isn't a chance I won't spend money if I go in them. It's one of those love/hate things. I have a huge stack of stuff to read and have no business adding to it, but there are so many more books that I need to own. I can usually justify buying a poetry book because it's not like I sit down and read through them the way I do a novel, hence needing to avoid the bookstore.

Ok, this section of the list was a little hurried. But I've been wanting to start posting regularly again and also get this list finished, so there you go.

I love you all, really, I do.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day,
I love 'til it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place,
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
but I pray anyway..."
-- Idina Menzel, "I Stand"

P.S. Look up Idina. She's married to Taye Diggs and if I had idols, she's be number one.

Oh yeah, I said that...

Remember when I was all, "Sorry guys, regular posting will resume at some point when the schedule evens out and I feel less crazed?"

Yeah well, that hasn't really happened yet.

However, I've been lurking a lot. Trying to keep up with all those lovely blogs out there that I adore. Reading, not commenting, so let me just say that all of you are doing a great job and you should keep it up.

Also, Mr. and Mrs. Smith is a super-cool movie. I forgot how much I love it.

long-ago-promised pictures

Remember those crazy stripper heels that I told you about? I almost forgot that I got the pictures and needed to let y'all see 'em:

Moi (above) and Becka (below).

Those things were six or seven inches and I totally worked it. Please excuse the crazy background items...

I'm back!

I turned twenty-four on the twenty-third, and while I'd like to say that my posts from here on out will be reflecting that with newfound wisdom and greater maturity but I just can't bring myself to do that to you.

I didn't really want to turn twenty-four. It wasn't an issue of feeling old (because, hello, it's not old until next year when I'm all "oh no, I'm almost to thirty and I'm going to die..."). Basically, twenty-three was just a really good year, I really liked being twenty-three. It was cool, I turned twenty-three on the twenty-third last year and that was awesome and I thought nothing would be as special on this year's birthday.

I know, I make no sense and I'm a weird-o.

But, this birthday was almost too much fun. Because this year there was continual celebration, hanging out with friends and having them buy me lunch or a drink the week of. And then not one, but two crazy-good-time parties over the weekend (and I mean very crazy-good-time). It's possible that I did a few things that were not the kinds of things I would normally do, but I think birthdays do that to you. One of my friends did a keg-stand on her last birthday, and that is definitely not something she would do most days of the year (no, I didn't do a keg-stand...my parties were out on the town so there wouldn't have been an opportunity even if I had wanted to).

I really don't think I would change anything. I had a fabulous time, with fabulous people.

The past couple of weeks have been really busy with all of the birthday festivities, training at the new place of employment, and other random acts of my life, so I haven't been able to keep up with all the blogging activities lately. I'm hoping to catch up on all the regular reads though and make time to post more often!

A week?

A week from my last post? I am actually really surprised, I've totally been neglecting all the blogging activities I love.

I've just been super busy and the schedule has been all over the place. Once it evens out and gets steady again I'll be back full force, promise!

On Valentine's Day

While you might think, that as a single gal, I might be ready to rail against the "day of love" and all the happily matched couples I see day to day. You may have thought that I'd be all "Valentine's Day is the bane of my existence as the last single girl in my circle of friends."

But, my dear friends, I am not.

I simply sit here, after a long day of sitting at Panera training for the Apple store, sipping wine and watching TV with my mother. Today was long mostly because I am still recovering from being so-sick-I-thought-I-was-dying and the wine is good because it was a long day and my mom and I are able to drink it because my father is absent (no wine with dad in the house, story to come later...maybe).

And I don't hate Valentine's Day today, for so many reasons.

One being that, well, I almost forgot it was today -- until my (guy) friend came into work and jokingly told me another guy was going to be his Valentine.

Two being that I'm just not a huge fan of the day on the flip-side, when I'm in a relationship. I just remember that V-Day was just a lot of pressure. Pressure to have the "perfect date" and get the sweetest gift. It robbed it of fun, which is the core of romance for me. It was nice, but lacked the spontaneity that I also find necessary to romance, to enjoying the love and care you have for the lover you're sharing it with.

It was just another day, but with a bunch of stress attached for no real reason.

So I suppose you could say that I'm just indifferent to the whole "holiday."

And one day, when I am once again attached to a guy, we will agree to just have fun on February fourteenth. We will exchange gifts that will not exceed the agreed limit of five dollars, order pizza and watch Die Hard. Because if it's a day all about love, it should be spent with someone you love with things you love. No pressure.

Besides, my birthday is nine days after Valentine's Day and is much more important. Save your money.

Things I Learned From My Mother

Laugh often and when you do, don't hold back with girlish giggling or chuckling under your breath. Laugh loud, heartily, and with your whole body.

Standing up does not require walking out. Strength and beauty are revealed in what it takes for you to stay, more often than not.

Change is the responsibility of the one who needs it, and you should not twist yourself into knots in order to work around someone who won't.

If you got it, flaunt it.

Being true to yourself is always more important than doing what is popular. Real friends might be fewer that way, but they will be better in quality.

Whining is annoying and unattractive.

You are always capable of more than you think.

Power tools are fun.

Ask questions, always (although, teaching us to question everything probably backfired a little).

There are really only a select number of people that can tell you what to do, so don't take orders from just anyone.

Wine cannot solve any problems, but it does provide a temporary solution. Because some days need an ending with a glass of wine.

"Help" is not that kind of four letter word.

Independence is sexy.

When you do anything, do it right. On time, efficiently, and to the best of your ability.

Never apologize for being yourself, however free-spirited, sarcastic, opinionated, spontaneous, lacking in seriousness, or somewhat crazy that may be.

There's a reason cars have turning signals.

Trying something new, be it food, adventures, or relationships, always deserves a fair shot.

Just don't tell your father.

Oh, Mr. Darcy

Colin Firth did it the best. I haven't even seen the new Pride and Prejudice because I am so attached to the old A&E version, with Mr. Firth among others. And I am watching the old favourite right now, wishing I talked like that and could be fancy everyday. I have to admit that I'm actually most partial to Colonel Brandon from Sense and Sensibility in character, though.

Alas, I sit here on the couch once again attempting to suppress my body's apparent desire to hack up a lung and have my sinuses implode (fantastic image, no?). Because, my friends, I think I have contracted emphysema, the black lung, or both. Maybe it's the plague? Or influenza? Or pneumonia? No, it's just another upper-respiratory infection with sinus pressure, like always. Like I always get when I've been incredibly stressed, my immune system is taking a vacation, and at least one child at work has been sick. Still, it's not like I don't wash my hands frequently or have started a habit of rubbing snotty Kleenex all over myself.

In other news that is of the "good" variety, I start a new job at the Apple store on Thursday. I'm very excited and looking forward to start training. I have two friends that work there (who were nice enough to sing my praises/tell people I'm cool and help me get the job) so I'm not going in as nervous as one who doesn't know anyone. So wish me luck and good times as I start working at one of my favourite places in the mall! Hopefully this cough will mostly be gone and no one there will think I've been smoking five packs a day since I was nine...

Explanation...please?

Ok, so I've been on Technorati for a bit now and while I don't pay close attention to it or anything I logged on today to find my "authority" had gone up. I clicked on it to check it out and found that some site had linked to my post about being high maintenance, only they hadn't referenced my blog's name properly or anything (but they link to right to the post on Paper Wings just fine). It's weird.

Here's the link to it:
http://clothing.collectiblepro.com/2008/01/31/high-maintenance-reading-list/

So what do I do? I don't even know how to feel about it...

Would you date you?

I always have the most interesting conversations with my friend, Amy.  She's really cool and one of those friends you always want at your party.

Talking to her today we got onto the whole single-hood issue.  Two single twenty-something girls, it's bound to come up.  The thought was this: I don't think I'd want to date the person I was a year ago, or before that.

I mean, going through the things you do, "growing-up," or just "finding yourself."  Everyone has to deal with that stuff, figure it all out, go on their voyage of self-discovery.  I know I wasn't in a place where starting a relationship would have been the wisest thing.  I'm actually glad I didn't end up with someone, it would not have ended well.

I would totally date me now, though.

There were a lot more things she and I talked about, that would take a much longer blog to explain.  Seeing as I'm not dating right now I'm sure I'll be able to work them in to a later post about being all, "I am woman," or even, "I'm gettin' kinda lonely."  Whatever side of the fence I'm on that day...

How about you, my bloggy friends, would you date you?

P.S. I'm a bit distracted today, can you tell?

High Maintenance Reading List

Welcome to High Maintenance 101, the first thing you'll need to do is go to the bookstore and make sure you bring the following to class:

- Princess: You Know Who You Are by Francesca Castagnoli
From shopping to pampering, to charming, this book covers how to respect your inner princess and treat her accordingly.

- The Goddess Guide by Gisele Scanlon
The perfect guidebook for our course. From the introduction: Do you know where to buy the best vintage clothing? Have you ever wondered what Tracey Emin collects? Want to know why the soles of Christian Louboutin's beautiful shoes are always crimson red? Going to Paris and need to know where to stay and what perfumes to bring home with you? Perhaps you have a room to decorate and want to put up -- and customize -- your own wallpaper? Still searching for the best-fitting jeans, the snuggliest duvet, the secret to having perfectly toned arms? Scanlon uses the knowledge she's collected through years of travel, writing, and such along with interviews with the people who should know (and who you should know) to compile this awesome little volume. And the cover is beautiful...although your not supposed to judge by it.

- That Extra Half An Inch: Hair, Heels and Everything in Between by Victoria Beckham
Her secrets are the ones you must know. If you do not have a healthy dose of Posh-love in your life, there is no place for you here. If you want to be in the know about how to be mayjah, make sure you have this book.

- Vogue, Elle, and Harper's Bazaar magazines
You don't need a subscription, you just need to know that this is where you'll find the stuff you need to know month to month. Your monthly boost of fabulousness, if you will.

Pending instructor review:

- A Guide to Quality, Taste and Style by Tim Gunn
On the list of must-reads, this comes from the man that acts as mentor to the Project Runway contestants, and knows what he's talking about when it comes to fashion and those other things mentioned in the title of his book. I look forward to reading it.

- The Little Black Book of Style by Nina Garcia
The fashion director of Elle magazine and judge on Project Runway offers up a volume geared at helping you find your fashion identity and your polished self. They use these people on that show for a reason, people.

- Daring Book for Girls by Andrea J. Buchanan
Because being fabulous is not just about appearances and personality. You need to know how to do other really cools stuff too, like the perfect cartwheel, wrapping saris, or science projects. Tomboy or girly-girl, or combination, this book seems to be an excellent addition to the library.

*List subject to change as many books are available, yet really good ones being hard to find. These being those the instructor has found useful and relevant.

**Please also take note of the times the following shows are airing in your area: Project Runway, What Not to Wear, Sex and the City, and your choice of shows found on the Style network.

Should I...

Watch Transformers or go try and finish the book I'm close to the end of?

I'm leaning towards reading...but it's a tough call. Two things I kind of gave too much thought to today. Cuddled with babies and the whole time thinking, "When I get home I want to..."

Update: Not that you find this interesting or important at all, but I did go read and my brain was too jittery so I came back to jump from thing to thing all ADD-like on the internet while I watch T.V. simultaneously.

P.S. I love Project Runway.

here it goes

here it goes
here it goes again
oh, here it goes again...

Yup, Ok Go lyrics just to say we're returning the hundred things list. Inching closer to the finish line...

Numbers 51-60:

51. I love cauliflower. Ever since I was a kid, favourite vegetable, hands down. And it's super nutritious, so that's good.
52. I dye my hair about two shades darker than my natural colour. Only I notice when my roots are coming in. It gives it a lot more dimension and hello, it's so hot (and so me).
53. I'm probably more high maintenance than I want to believe. I pretty much refuse to leave the house without hair and make-up done, and even a t-shirt and jeans have to be done right. It kicks in even more on my days off from the daycare, as I don't get to bother looking all that cute when I'm at work. It's hard to keep up appearances when at least three small children are grabbing at you with grubby hands, wiping snotty noses on you, and other adorable things. So I do what I can when I'm not there.
54. I love swing sets. How could you not get all happy when flying through the air like that? Sunny days with a slight breeze always make me want to find a playground and swing all day.
55. I love being the center of attention. Just not always...a lot of times. I think it's like an addiction, you just want to do it again and again. But there are plenty of instances where I'd rather chill on the sidelines or even spend some time alone.
56. Making my friends smile makes my day, bonus points if they're laughing. I can't stand it when they're hurting or when things are a mess. Whatever my friends are going through, good/bad/beautiful/ugly/amazing/awful, affects me big time. I just love them so very much.
57. I'd love to take at least one dance class. Like modern dance, or jazz. Something different than what you do when you're out for the weekend. I love the expression and creative outlet of using your whole body to express music. And while I do my thing, alone, at home, getting a little "formal" instruction would be really cool.
58. I kept a bunch of my textbooks from college because I really do want to go back and read them. These include the ones for World Geography, Comparative Politics, and Anthropology. Along with a bunch of my philosophy books.
59. I have trust issues. Who doesn't?
60. I'm really glad that my taste buds have started getting excited about tea. I always wanted to like tea and would try it on a regular basis only to be disappointed. But within a few recent months I've been getting into it more and more. I love tea. Mostly green tea, but I love trying new ones. Jasmine has quickly become one of my favourites.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not completely insane
I'm maybe just a little bit crazy
There's no one to blame
Got no shame 'bout my game
Don't want nobody to save me...
-- Alana Davis, "Crazy"

bachelorette parties are fun

And they're good for your ego.

Especially if your party runs into a random bachelor party.

Good times will be had and you'll be feeling really good about yourself, just sayin'.

Although, apparently, I'm trouble.

My dear friend is getting married this week and we went out last night for the shenanigans that are required pre-nuptial. We did a tour at a winery, which if you get the chance to do, I highly recommend because it was the perfect start to our night. Followed that up with dinner (pizza in the hotel room where some of the girls were staying the night). From there, it was time to go downtown and let loose.

As we were walking we saw the cutest little lingerie store, and we were all "Um, this is the perfect place to check out for a party such as this." So we went in, and the first thing Becks and I saw were the super-high platform stripper heels that were too fun to not try on. Becks got these bright red buckled all over numbers, and the only ones in my size were clear plastic with a sparkly lip print on the side.

But wait, that's no ordinary sparkly lip print, it's actually the marker to show you where the money slot is. Yes, a money slot. They were too good to be true, I almost bought them because of the pure camp factor. Plus, as the wonderful sales girl pointed out, "If you decided to get them and wear them out tonight you'd most likely make your money back in no time." Because people would be able to put money in my shoes. It was funny, because it was true.

As soon as I get the picture of me in those shoes, I will post it, I promise.

I'm still surprised at myself and how well I walked in those babies.

Bachelorette parties are fun...and hilarious.

healing on the inside

One time I used a Pampered Chef paring knife, maybe I used it twice. The knife wasn't even mine, it was my roommate's. I don't think she noticed that I threw it away shortly after. It
had been kind of dull and hadn't worked all that well anyway.

From then on it was mostly the thin blades in disposable razors. The flimsy plastic could be broken easily enough and inside were three perfectly sharp objects. They split the skin on my delicate wrists just enough that the bleeding was profuse but there wouldn't be much evidence by way of scarring. It only took one and the other two could be quickly hidden away. Hidden from the rare observant visitor, hidden from myself until I reached for them again in panicked desperation.

It was calming, the thin lines appearing as I carefully drew them with the razor. Watching the blood flow before I furtively slipped into the bathroom to stick my wrists under cool running water. Only then did I start questioning the sanity of these actions, as the two liquids mingled into a lighter red and ran down the drain. That's when I would cry because it wasn't right, it wasn't good, and it wasn't really helping.

I'd silently find the short distance back to my room, lock the door, and pull out the red bandanna that served it's main purpose to be wrapped around the cuts, and soak up blood and tears. I'd curl up under the covers and either cry or stare up at the ceiling until my exhausted body, exhausted mind, exhausted heart drifted into deep, wonderful sleep. Some of those nights I awoke the next morning more rested and refreshed than I had ever experienced. Because most other nights I wasn't sleeping. Those mornings I woke up and put myself together for class, beautifully.

Adorable outfit: check

Perfect hair and make-up: check

Huge white watch with all the little buckles, strategically covering main cutting surface: check

Sweet smile and ready laugh: check

No one noticed.

No one that didn't automatically accept a feeble excuse. Micah noticed as we all got ourselves ready for homecoming. My watch wasn't on yet.

"What happened to your wrist?"

"Oh, I slipped on the cement bleachers over on the football field the other day. It got scratched up when I tried to stop myself."

"Ah, I hate those bleachers."

None of them had been exposed to such a thing before. I had never been exposed to such a thing before. Cutting, panic attacks, bipolar disorder -- how do you talk about that? If I didn't even know what was going on, how could I explain it? I was used to dealing with my father's erratic behaviour, but this was beyond me.

And then I met someone who knew the ins and outs of bipolar disorder. The transfer student that I fell in love with on first sighting when I stepped in front of him in the cafeteria line for the drink fountain. Talking late one night we found someone else that knew what kind of wars we were fighting in our heads. He didn't cut himself, but he knew what the medications felt like and all about the crushing dark places. I wouldn't have to explain when one day I could only sleep and couldn't get off the couch and then want to go do crazy things on another shortly after. Knowing the fact that some days I would be introverted and unable to move outside a small circle one day and then completely outgoing and energetically chatting up person after person would go unquestioned.

Naturally we were too much drama for each other. It was explosive and strange and our upswings and downswings never matched up. We chose to deal with things in different ways. He self medicated with all sorts of substances while I let my friends inside my strange world even more, asking them to help me climb my way out. He would be cold and distant, harsh and often zombie-like because of various things found in his bloodstream. I would open up to people, let them hold me, and pray. But I would still confide to him things others wouldn't hear from me at that time.

Until the last straw. I did it one more time and hated myself. He was the one I called to come fix it. He saw my wrist and pulled me into his arms, holding me so tight because I was shaking. Shaking because I was still panicked, still crying, and it was cold outside. We talked and talked, me playing the role of a frightened little girl who has too many thoughts and needs to be told what to do. He took my phone and programmed my mom's number into his.

"If you don't call your parents tomorrow and tell them what's going on, I will."

Because he knew if I didn't tell them, no one could get me the help I needed. They had all the insurance information, and they were my parents. It was their job.

So I called them. My father yelled at me, my mother tried to listen to find out what we needed to do. They couldn't understand because I was telling them I wanted to try an approach they were unsure of.

I quit taking the medication, it wasn't helping and the side effects were just too much to deal with. I went to the elders at my church with the man that was like a second father to me, he was the professor of my favourite class, I worked for him under the work-study program, and I could trust him. My best friend that is like my sister was there, along with her husband (then boyfriend) who is like a brother. I whole group there, like family but better. The elders anointed me with oil and prayed over me for healing, for peace.

Peace came. Immediately. I felt better. I saw so many things more clearly and was getting better at making decisions. I had this strength that wasn't mine.

I hit road blocks and they made me stumble. A few were really big, and are stories for another time. I have moments of weakness, doesn't everyone? Now I know how to handle it, where to reach for the strength.

I think that God gives us tools to help us heal. If you had cancer, you would take the medicines and treatments the doctors gave you. Well, maybe you wouldn't, but I would. You'd also lean on your family, friends, and maybe you would pray. I did the same thing for my illness. At the time, medication wasn't doing anything but forcing painful side effects on me and causing significant weight gain. I was taking maximum doses and even with all the side effects, it wasn't helping me get better. Since that time I went through one major period where I was having a panic attack close to every day. I wasn't hurting myself, but I couldn't get past the things in my life that were causing the attacks. So I talked to a counselor (a Christian counselor that didn't treat me the way others had, insulting me for my faith) and we decided trying medication again would not be a bad idea. My wonderful doctor put me on Effexor, and it was a match made in heaven. It was a low dose and I wasn't experiencing any bad effects (and it didn't hurt myself esteem by causing weight gain and actually helped me lose some depression weight). I will probably go back on it once my issue with insurance gets taken care of because it keeps my moods for swinging out of control and my mind clear.

All of these things are part of who I am. They define me, etch the designs that beautify my spirit. When I knew I was healed I had "The One who heals" tattooed in Hebrew on my wrist over the spot I used to cut. It's a beautiful tattoo. And these things that I am are amazing, though a work in progress.

I still won't touch Pampered Chef paring knives though.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A spiritual wound, one that comes from a laceration of the spirit, is much like a physical wound; after it has healed and knitted together on the outside, strange as it may seem, a spiritual wound behaves like a physical injury in continuing the healing process on the inside under pressure from the life force pushing up from within. -- Tolstoy, "War and Peace"

To sleep, perchance to dream...

I know I have stated it before, but I've been having some serious sleep issues. Getting to sleep and sleeping well are two things that have been completely eluding me for what feels like a very long time, but I'm not sure when it actually started.

And I'm sorry, my writing here has suffered, I feel. I know I'm usually remarkably more eloquent. My days off are spent with me feeling very drowsy and my days working are increasingly difficult because I'm sleepy. I have ideas and still feel creative and want to be active, but I get easily distracted and it all just kind of rolls downhill to a point where I'm just vaguely present and drifting off.

It's weird because I get sleepy and start to fall asleep at night, but then I move, turn off the light, or something simple and unexciting and all of a sudden I'm awake and have to wait until I get really sleepy. Then a lot of my nights have not been good sleep once I do manage to find my way to dreamland.

If you know anything that could help me that won't a) involve a bunch of medication (which, sleeping pills of any kind don't usually affect me at all, my doctor put me on Ambien once and it didn't do anything), b) cost me much money if any at all, or c) require alcohol because I can't have it in my house, I am open to your suggestions. Sad about the alcohol one because the one night that I slept so good I had had a couple glasses of wine, but I don't want to be dependent on that factor, of course.

It's frustrating, because I'd like to get some energy to focus on things like stepping it up with my writing and other creative endeavors, getting exercise (because, hello, I feel better inside and about myself when I get back to my ten-pounds-lighter self), and being able to function in social circles better. And my lack of real sleep has been hurting those things, big time (and in ways I'm not ready to talk about here yet).

So, let me know your helpful hints on getting some normal sleeping patterns...or call me and verbally kick my butt to get me to go work out or something. Thanks.

Heath Ledger

My best friend in high school and I were in love with him. I don't know how many times we watched 10 Things I Hate About You together. And while I grew out of my crush, he was still one of my favourite actors, he was extremely gifted.

I really hope it was an accident and I am so shocked and saddened by the news today of his death. I'm still having a little trouble really believing it.

Hooray!

Guess who just got their letter of acceptance to go to school in London?

No...me!

I'm so excited, the letter came earlier than expected and it took a minute for it to hit me full force: I'm really going to London!

Congratulatory gifts will be accepted...she said with a sly grin.

Bound to happen

Politics are in the air, it's a bittersweet scent of supposed democracy, sweat, blood, tears, and crest toothpaste plus whitening.

I don't like debating politics. People don't actually debate, they fight for their opinion to be heard over everyone else's. And I'm just not a fan of people raising their voice at me, because apparently it's well known in certain circles that if you just start shouting your opponent will suddenly have a change of heart and see it your way.

Personally, when people have started getting upset with me or begin hitting higher decibels it's seems to be because they've made some assumption based on what they know about me. They think that because they know the things they do, they can predict my stance on a subject. And if I have anything in common with them at all that usually influences their opinion, I will naturally agree with them on most everything else. Having gone to a conservative Christian university, it happened a lot.

Now, I am really happy with the education I got. I wouldn't have accomplished so much of what I did if I hadn't been there learning from and interacting with the amazing professors that I did in the major-specific classes I took. They knew what they were talking about and I gleaned so much from what they put into their curriculum. But, when ninety percent of the student body, and much of the administration is of one mind, people are going to assume that you sway with the majority just because you are a Christian at a Christian school.

And I am a Christian, just not always the one they (they being the guys sitting on committees deciding what was best for the school and the people deciding who was popular, not always the most aware of what was really going on beyond their agreeable crowd) wanted me to be. I wasn't necessarily glued to the denomination they wanted me to be. I didn't (and don't) have a problem with instrumental worship or ladies saying prayers (all of which is another story for another time, as they aren't a big deal).

I'm also not a Republican.

But, that doesn't automatically make me a Democrat either (because I'm not).

Obviously, this could cause a nice bit of confusion for the average student at my school, among others.

May I say, that it swings both ways. People on both sides of the pond want me to agree with them fully and it's probably not going to happen. I'm moderate...with a little lean to the left.

The big shockers? My thoughts on gay marriage and abortion. It's true, I have thoughts and some of them are about these "problems." At risk of being ripped a part, agreed with, spat on, patted on the head, or whatever...here's how I see it:

Gay marriage is none of my business. True. That's between the two people wanting to commit themselves to each other forever. Whatever I may think about it from a moral standpoint (being the morals I have set for myself using the guidance I find in my God's word) doesn't actually matter at all when the person(s) in question don't share my views.

Abortion is a tough one. Again, I feel that it's not the place of the state or myself to make that decision for any woman. I, personally, could never do it and believe that it would be very wrong. But another woman might look at it and say different. Another woman might feel backed into a corner with no other option. This issue gets terribly hard to keep in a black and white/right and wrong context when you throw in the proverbial "What if it's lose the mother or lose the baby" problem. It's up to the mother if she wants to die or let her child go.

What these types of things come down to for me is the fact that I have submitted myself to the law under the God that I believe and have faith in. I cannot expect someone who has not submitted themselves to that law to live by it. No, I won't "agree" with what the person is doing with their life, but it is not my place to judge and I will live my life the way I see fit and allow them to do the same. I firmly believe that when people want the government to hold everybody to one particular doctrine we run into problems. Our government being one that called for separation of church and state (perhaps you've heard of it?), it is a two way street. The government agrees not to interfere with the church(es) and the church(es) were not intended to interfere with the government.

And I have had some fabulous gay friends that put some of my Christian friends to shame in how they acted in love and respect, being servants to people. But, that's not really what I'm getting at here.

I'm a bit nervous about posting this, as I'm not sure I've really made myself understood. My brain's been a bit fuzzy the past few weeks as I've had so much going on and haven't been sleeping well. All of these things have been coming up in conversation a lot lately for me and I am pretty passionate about being respectful to all people and their lives. I could say so much more, go into so much more detail...but I won't drive it into the ground.

That's what I think.

Here come the ABCs!

My brain is still a bit off-line. I haven't been sleeping well one little bit, if you have any suggestions for "getting to sleep" rituals, let me know. Medicine doesn't usually help me, so I need some tricks.

Anyway, my solution is to tag myself with this meme Nicole Antoinette posted. If you aren't reading her blog, shame on you, because I've mentioned it enough times here that you should have gotten the hint by now. I'm not going to tag anyone, because I always feel that someone should have the choice...free will and all. By tagging myself here, I give myself something to do that a) doesn't require too much brain power, b) is fun, c) might give me something to go over in my head a few times to maybe get me to sleep.

So here's my own personal alphabet:

A - Age: Twenty-three and 5/6ths (so old)
B - Band listening to right now: Well, none...the TV is on...but I have Maroon 5 in my head during commercials.
C - Career future: Becoming Snow White (i.e. the coolest princess ever), indie rockstar, and stellar fashion designer
D - Dad’s name: Wayne
E - Easiest person to talk to: The best friend Jenn, and then I'm blessed with a bunch of friends that are all really easy to chat with (and heaven knows, I talk a lot).
F - Favorite type of shoe: red
G – Grapes or Grapefruit: In fruit form, grapes. In juice form, grapefruit.
H – Hometown: Well I was born in Japan, whisked off to Ohio, then on to Germany, then South Carolina, then Panama City, Florida, now Orlando (with Alabama in between)...so which of those should I call "hometown?"
I – Instrumental talent: Instrumental to what? I know some guitar chords...
J – Juice of choice: Grapefruit.
K – Koala Bear or Panda Bear: Um...um...if I'm in Australia I'd want to see a koala, and if I'm in the Orient I'd want to see a panda.
L - Longest car ride ever: Panama City all the way to somewhere towards the middle of Mexico...not all at once, fortunately. Technically, it was a bus ride though...
M – Middle name: Leigh
N - Number of jobs you’ve had: Let's see, first the Gap, then Shipwreck Unltd., new city new job with Travel Country Outdoors, then secretarial work, then American Eagle, then Starbucks, followed by the daycare and Arbonne consultant (current). I think I'm leaving some stuff out as there have been quite a number of these types of things. And who knows what I'll do next?
O- OCD traits: You do not have the time.
P - Phobia[s]: Leeches, blood pressure cuffs (I'm getting better at handling those), yeah, those are weird.
Q - Quote: "I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from." -Eddie Izzard
R - Reason to smile: No. 34987332988347: D. is starting to say things that sound like real words.
S - Song you sang last: "Hey Jude," I sing it to L. when he gets upset and cries because it calms him down.
T - Time you wake up: I aim for about 5:30 because I tell myself I will get up and do a little yoga to greet the day and that type of thing...but I usually end up hitting snooze a few times and slowly stumbling out of bed around 6. But I absolutely cannot get out of bed with the clock on an uneven number, because what would happen to the children? Something bad, I'm sure.
U - Unknown fact about me: I have always been somewhat obsessive about the number twenty-three. I haven't seen that movie, or researched it much because as OCD as I am I know it might push me over the edge into "that crazy girl who doesn't talk about anything but a number and chews her hair." I don't chew my hair...but taking this thing with that number beyond me just happening upon it all the time might push me to it.
V - Vegetable you hate: Brussel sprouts, broccoli, and others.
W - Worst habit: Spending too much money with only a vague idea of how much of it I actually have. Yeah mom, don't say anything.
X - X-rays you’ve had: Uh, like, all of them...
Y - Yummiest food my belly likes: Hmm...so many goodies rushed into my head and I can't choose the best one! Vegan pizza is my ultimate comfort food, so we'll go with that (especially if it comes from Mellow Mushroom).
Z - Zodiac sign: Pisces...but I read recently that I was born on a cusp and that makes a difference somehow...

Next time won't you sing with me? You can pick the song next time...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've tried and tried and tried and tried,
but I know no concept of consequence,
and I'm a master of self defense...
-- Maroon 5

Brain. Dead.

I have no coherent thought.

Blahdegabbamundabo?

And now feel free to say the same thing I say to the babies when they look at me and say that precise sentence: "Really? Fascinating! Sure..."

answers

But these questions are so hard! Seriously, I should probably take even more time to think about them, but hey, I like to live life on the edge.

Deutlich: What's your one do-over moment? You know, the kind where afterwards you thump yourself on the head and ask, "Why did I just do that?!"

Oi, I have to pick just one? I think, ultimately anytime I said something that was false to who I am. I have done that a lot...and that is a bit of a vague answer...but those are the types of things that I really regret. It's those types of things that have kept people from really knowing me. It has happened a lot at times I'm really nervous around a stupid guy, and if I had just been totally and completely true to myself they would have actually liked me so much better (and perhaps, I wouldn't be quite so single). There is actually one in particular that comes to mind, and I just really wish I had been myself entirely around this guy because I think we would at least be much better friends than we are now. But, I was not long out of a bad break-up and had to rediscover that for myself a bit. Still...

Molly: What is the most beautiful drive you've ever taken?

I went to college eight hours away from my home. I didn't have my own car and so I had to find someone to take me with them or fly when the holidays came around. There was a girl in a couple of my classes that I knew lived in Daytona, which is only about an hour and a half away from Orlando, so I asked if I could ride with her and her sister and then have my parents come get me there. The first time around it was all three of us and I slept in the backseat pretty much the whole way (I tend to fall asleep and stay that way during all types of travel). But the second time it was just me and her, for eight hours, alone in the car together. We talked the whole time. We talked about everything, ranging from deep thoughts and ideas to complete silliness and goofiness. We ended up having so much in common and made each other laugh so easily that the eight hours flew by. And that happened every time we rode home and back together after that. I would say that second time when we were just the two of us was the most beautiful drive ever for me because that was the one where I got to know one of the most amazing women in my life. I've driven though a lot of different places, but that girl is my absolute best friend to this day and she knows me better than anyone. Nostalgic and kind of cheesy, yes, but I don't care.

Katelin: Who was your first kiss and would you kiss that person again?

Um...I don't really remember so it must not have been special. I think the first official kiss was probably during a "truth or dare" game and wasn't anything "serious." The first one I ever actually remember was the boy I dated a little bit in high school. It was really cute, I was mid-sentence because I talk so much and he went for it. It wasn't a big sloppy kiss, it was a nice little first one. I suppose I would kiss him again...but I don't know what he's like now because I haven't seen him in years so only if he's just as cool if not cooler than before.

Katelin: Have you ever been streaking? If so, where?

No, I haven't. I think the closest to streaking I would ever come to would be...um...nothing...I'm kinda boring that way.

Katelin: If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what movie would it be?

I can never answer these types of questions to my own satisfaction. At least you didn't say, "on a deserted island." Hmm...seriously, I've been sitting here for about twenty minutes pondering this question. I think I'm going to say...ah...dang it...um...Rent? Runners up: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Snow White, Enchanted, Empire Records, Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, The Emperor's New Groove... I really hope that never happens to me and I really have to choose just one forever.

Larissa: What activity most invokes creativity in your life? And why?

Oh...everything. I think just the act of observation would be the one thing that invokes the creativity. I'm a really perceptive person, I feel like I notice everything. And everything gets me thinking. And once my brain goes off on a tangent things can get a little crazy. It's why I carry my journal with me everywhere, because I always need it to write down or sketch out things that I see or start thinking. I end up with all sorts of ideas all the time. I need to do better about getting them on paper and then following through with them though, because ideas not practiced aren't doing anybody any good. Excellent question.

Courtney: You want to move to London, so is there one specific thing about that city (a landmark, certain people, opportunities unique to it, etc.) that excites you most about the possible move?

Oh gosh, there's so much! Let's go with the things you listed, because that way I don't have to say just one thing.
A landmark - I think Big Ben really excites me because it's pretty much the big distinguishing landmark and all. However, personally, all the little places excite me even more. Places like the parks, pubs, markets, etc. Underground London, if you will, that only the real Londoners know has got to be the coolest part. Oh, and pretty much all the places seen in Doctor Who (she said with a sly smile).
Certain people - The locals! People with cool accents! Famous British people! And possibly...some sexy older British man to sweep me off my feet (she said with a laugh).
Opportunities - Because I plan to study fashion the opportunities in London make it one of the perfect places to study that. It's one of the big fashion cities alongside New York, Milan, and Paris. Plus, when looking at the "working world" there, it is a desirable location for the fact that unemployment there is very low and people "move up" in their jobs fairly easily (I did a little research).
Etc. - I've discovered over the past year quite the Anglophile in myself. I love the BBC, lots of my favourite actors are English, I spell a lot of my words that way because most of the types of books I've always read use that type of spelling (I seriously didn't know any better until middle school when we left Germany), I love the accents, and on and on.

Distracted Spunk: If you could ever relive one moment, what would it be?

Well there's the one I won't talk about (you know a girl's gotta have a few secrets). But I'd say the other one would be choosing to move to Orlando with my family before my senior year of high school. I often wish I had stayed in Panama City with a family there just for that year so I could have gone to school and graduated with my friends. I ended up in Orlando homeschooling, which I dropped out of to take my GED. I know a year is more than one moment, but the decision happens in a moment, I suppose.
A good one I'd like to relive and pretty much change nothing was being in my best friends wedding and seeing her so happy. She was standing by the door in all her splendour as we, the bridesmaids and groomsmen, were about to walk down the aisle and she was just beaming. It was awesome, the ceremony was perfect and everything was wonderful that day. It was one of those day full of moments like the happy scenes from Rent or the final We Go Together scene from Grease.

NicoleAntoinette: If you had to have a personal theme song for your life, what would it be?

I'm assuming you mean in the sense that it's the song that plays when I walk into the room...
I work well with top fives - in no particular order -
1. Crazy by Alana Davis
2. She by Elvis Costello
3. The Rock Show by Blink-182
4. Medication by Derek Webb
5. Twentieth Century Fox by the Doors

*List subject to change once I sit down and give it more serious thought than previously done. I take these kinds of questions very seriously. A friend of mine once told me that my song was Livin' La Vida Loca but I feel that I can do better than that with these...but that one might have fit too.

Chelsea Talks Smack: What makes you cry? Ya know that one thing, that no matter the time, place etc. you get a lump in your throat and can't help it.

Not much. I hate crying, really, really hate it. I've never been the type to cry in public or be moved to tears easily (or even not easily, whatever that means). However, if for some sadistic reason you wanted to make me cry right away you would have to...um...just get me really worked up and so frustrated and angry that I can't talk. Usually my family are the only ones capable of this when I feel like they just aren't listening and they do that one thing that I have asked not to be done five gajillion times up until that point and then I just snap and scream incoherently because I can't take it anymore. You would really have to commit to it if you wanted to make me cry "all of a sudden."

Chelsea Talks Smack: Betty or Veronica?

I say Betty, I don't think Veronica would like me very much. Betty would be cool and friendly as long as you weren't after Archie, Veronica would just act better than you no matter who you were.

Chelsea Talks Smack: Ginger or Maryanne?

I don't think I've ever actually watched an episode of Gilligan's Island, so I have to pick at random. I hear Ginger is the really nice one so we'll go with her. I'll bet we'd have fun.

Dana: What is your idea of the perfect church? I mean, obviously it isn't possible but if it was, what would it look like?

I read a story once about a man that was allowed to see both heaven and hell, guided by an angel. The angel took the man to hell first, where all the people were at a long table piled high with scrumptious, delicious looking food. But because all the people were chained and heavily shackled, they couldn't eat and looked absolutely miserable, skinny and starving. So then the angel took the man to heaven, where he saw the exact same thing, people at a big feast chained together. But this time all the people were laughing and smiling and full of joy, everyone looked healthy. The man told the angel he didn't understand, what made the people in heaven different so that they had such joy despite the chains and shackles? The angel told the man he needed to look closer. When the man did so, he saw that the chains allowed the people to feed the person next to them and everyone served their neighbor at the table, so everyone got to eat their fill. That's what I think of when I think of the perfect church, everyone serving one another and not consumed with themselves. Where the focus isn't on programs and "supposed to." A place that is really accepting and open...and not political. And everyone would be unafraid to bring their song, their words, their gifts to the table for worship because no one would say that they weren't allowed to use what they have as an act of glorifying God. It would be cool.

Amazing question...a little tough though!

Becka: If you could listen to one song on repeat for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Seriously, you of all people know that that is an unanswerable question! I couldn't do it, I would shrivel up and be no more.

Becka: Which runway fashion trend do you wish you could pull off in everyday life? (ie. socks with heels)

Other than being really tall and thin? I'd say...the colour yellow. I can't wear yellow, but I've loved so many of the things that I've seen in that colour and it was a bit of a trend.

Becka: What is your favorite quote or line from a movie and why?

"The opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation" - Mark, Rent. Yes, Rent, was on Broadway first, but it's a movie now too with ninety percent of the original cast so it qualifies completely. It's my favourite line because it's just...so true.

Runners-up:
"Oh, what are we gonna need the f****** rope for?" - Boondock Saints, because that part is so, so funny and shouldn't make me laugh the way that it does.
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes shut so tight" - That Thing You Do, I don't remember the name of the character, but Liv Tyler plays her. It's such a good "I'm sad we're breaking up, but you suck," break-up line. I can so relate.
"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams" - Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory...I always smile when he says that.
And, etc...

Wishcake: If you could reinvent yourself, what would you change?

I would be about two inches taller with less fat (more "tone" if you will). Really though, I think the main thing would be giving myself more of an ability to follow through on things. Like I said before, I tend to be more "idea" than anything. I think I'm getting a lot better at that, at least trying to be conscious of it. I'd also want to make myself completely devoid of stage fright and a little more outgoing (I'm not terribly shy, but I don't always go out of my way to meet people). Oh, and I'd be more funny.

Wishcake: What words or phrases do you overuse on a daily basis?

Seriously? I mean, I guess I say shut up, fairly often when I hear something crazy. And I am constantly shouting No! because I work with tiny humans...but I can't think of anything...

Wishcake: What is one of your silliest pet peeves?

Most of mine are probably really silly. One of the silliest is probably how much I hate when people just say "Panama City" for "Panama City Beach." They're right next to each other, but the beach is the beach and you have to cross a bridge from the city to get there. Just like Disney World isn't technically in Orlando, it's in Kissimmee, and I technically live in an Orlando suburb. Poor Geography education...it gets to me.

Wishcake: If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

That is tough, because I love every last piece of my name. If I had to change it, I would want it to be just as unique, let's do another top five (also in no particular order).
1. Adelie
2. Ophelia
3. Aster
4. Bryna
5. Stella

Wishcake: Mustard or mayo?

Mayo is gross (plus I really can't have it as a vegan), so mustard all the way...sparingly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That was tough, y'all. I should have done more top fives, because I'm quite fond of them (one of my favourite things about High Fidelity). Very good questions though. I would end on some song lyrics or something...but this post will be long enough without.

Because I'm spoiled rotten, that's why

Things I have decided I really do need. Especially if I'm on my way to London (which I think is looking pretty good...I hope...I pray).

- That MacBook I blogged about before...the one I desire. How else will I stay on top of all that artsy design homework and keep in touch with all of you lovelies? And I know that it would do what I want when I want, unlike this piece of junk that hates me (sentiments returned in full, evil machine).
- A digital SLR camera, preferably a Canon Rebel. Because you'll want pictures of everything I do, right? Plus, I was snapping away with my friend's last night (hers isn't a rebel, but it was fun) and I think I took some pretty nifty shots. I really wanted to take pictures of everything when it was in my hands and I decided it needed to be bumped back up to the top of the needs list (ok, fine, wants list).
- Cute pajamas/yoga wear/athletic wear. Because those types of clothing get ignored by me too much and I end up looking sloppy when I want to participate in those activities. And I am a person that is definitely motivated by what I'm wearing...oh, and I've been thinking I need a bathrobe too. And you know when you're living with a bunch of roommates, and you're a fashion design student, you don't want to be the one that doesn't have the right stuff to wear.
- New running shoes...but that's because mine are just worn out and not because they aren't pretty. The right shoe for running really is important.
- Pretty jewelry stands because all of mine just ends up in a tangled mess in this container I use, and with my resolution to invest in quality pieces (instead of lots of cheap ones) I don't like that.
- A good pair of sunglasses. I bought these fab ones from Target but they broke almost immediately, so now I'm thinking I should buy nicer ones and take care of them (which I suppose goes along with that resolution to buy quality things because it's more important than how much of it I have). And as much as I want these beauties from Cartier, I think I'll have to make it a smaller investment than that (I couldn't find a picture to use...).

And my dear friends that see me in real life, feel free to consult with our inner (and outer, whatever) circle to all chip in for something (I mean, especially those first two...) for my birthday next month. Just sayin'...

Don't worry, if these things don't find their way to me anytime soon, I won't throw my body against the floor and throw a whiny fit complete with choked sobs and shrieks of "NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME!" I know how to make do, but a girl can dream a bit if she's been making do for a long time.

This post brought to you by the I have other-more-serious-stuff to blog about but I'm avoiding it because it's an agonizing, scary process to blog about those things and I feel too weak to do it today.