No! Now get out of my face. (Apparently I will be making a statement or asking a question in my titles that will be responded to in the first line of the post on a consistent basis from now on).
Nobody has it figured out. Nobody knows what the hell is going on.
I'm only twenty-three but I'm already twenty-three, you know? Oh, and I'll be twenty-four next month. And it shouldn't, but it strikes me with a feeling of dread that I'll be that old and not at all that close to accomplishing any of the things I dreamed up for myself as a youngster.
This does not mean I'm unhappy with myself. I'm really awesome. I still have room for improvement, but I don't mind that and I don't think anyone else is free of that either.
Here's something I've figured out, a B.A. in English doesn't really count for much when you start hunting down jobs. Maybe it's too general, as in it doesn't actually prepare you for a job. It prepares you for graduate school. Do I want to go to graduate school? Not particularly.
Here's what I've been pondering. I ponder a lot. Actually, my mind races about and jumps from place to place a lot. Much like a small animal that becomes excited for no apparent reason and you watch them run around your living room at a crazy pace, back and forth and back again. Or like the little orb in the pin ball machine, only going at a rate so fast you can't keep track of where it went or predict where it will go next. What? Oh yeah, my pondering:
Perhaps I will go back to school, only this time concentrating on something I've always considered doing and almost did before. That doesn't mean I have to go get a Masters, because another Bachelors would be just fine. I've always been really interested in fashion design and marketing and almost left my first school to enter a program to do that. I don't think I made the wrong decision to stay where I was, but now I'm thinking I could (or should) go for it. And I wouldn't necessarily have to start all over, with a lot of general knowledge classes under my belt some of the credits might still transfer or something. Plus, all of this could be done in London which is a very good place to study fashion. Now, where does all that talk from yesterday about singing and acting and writing fall into play? Well, London is a nice hub for the creative arts and I'm sure I could work something out.
It's a viable option, I already spoke with an advisor at a school there today.
There are a lot of options I suppose, so you know this isn't the final word on anything. Tomorrow I could have a completely different story.
But shouldn't I make my mind up already? Probably, but hey, I'm only twenty-three.
And as lame as this is, I was watching Friends earlier and all I could think was, "I can't be that abnormal, Rachel is totally based on the type of person that doesn't have this junk figured out. She's, what, twenty-five on this show in the beginning? Yeah, she's a character that is completely fictional, but there's no way they just pulled that material out of thin air, there's basis in reality somewhere. And Rachel "finds herself" and turns out to be a really successful, super-cool person. You're my inspiration, Rachel Green." I thought all that and decided that it's understood that this type of twenty-something is average. We're all characters that are just trying to figure it out and often have to stop, look around, realise some things need to be different, and change direction. Pleas note that I know Friends is just a T.V. show and my life can't be based on it, I was just considering how to use it as a learning device of some kind.
So if I end up at design school in London, working at Starbucks and turning things around, life will be swell. Because I will be positive that I'm taking action and being productive. Not shying away from making big changes because of my age. If I can't do it now I won't be able to do it when I'm middle-aged, or eighty-three neither.
That's life, sometimes you have to ignore the years and do something drastic. That's right, be drastic. Be bold. Be confusing. Keep people guessing.
My dad is going to be terrified. My tendency towards "free spiritedness" and "impulsiveness" and "change" freaks him out. But he also hates that I seem to be a bit aimless and without a big picture, so perhaps presenting him with a plan will ease his mind. Then again, probably not, I scare the crap out of that guy.
Here's the end, and from now on there may be more full songs as opposed to excerpts as the little pieces don't have the full impact (and it's so hard to choose which lyrics I want). This, of course, doesn't apply to quotes, just lyrics.
I ramble, so what?
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After years of expensive education,
a car full of books and anticipation,
I’m an expert on Shakespeare and that’s a hell of a lot
but the world don't need scholars as much as I thought.
Maybe I'll go travelling for a year,
finding myself or start a career.
I could work for the poor though I’m hungry for fame
we all seem so different but we're just the same.
Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat,
aren't things more easy with a tight six pack?
Who knows the answers? Who do you trust?
I can't even separate love from lust.
Maybe I’ll move back home and pay off my loans,
working nine to five answering phones.
Don't make me live for my friday nights,
drinking eight pints and getting in fights.
I don't want to get up, just let me lie in,
leave me alone, I'm a twenty something.
Maybe I'll just fall in love that could solve it all,
philosophers say that that’s enough,
there surely must be more. Ooooh
Love ain’t the answer nor is work,
the truth eludes me so much it hurts.
But I’m still having fun and I guess that's the key,
I'm a twenty something and I'll keep being me.
-- "Twentysomething," Jamie Cullum
