Singlehood

I am the last one.

Well, the last female anyway. Among my close circle of friends (you know, the ones that make up the core of your social group) I am "the single girl." There are a couple of guys that are also single, but I am that third/fifth/seventh wheel. It's not my favourite thing.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my friends. They are some of the most beautiful, talented, comical people I have had the privilege of being associated with. But at times (ok, most times) I feel a little twinge of jealousy when I'm the only one at the table without a hand to hold.

I'm not usually this candid.

I've had one "real" relationship in my life. It started off wonderfully. We made a lot of mistakes. It ended terribly. He shattered my heart into a thousand little fragments I never thought I would put back together. A friend of mine told me once that because I'm opinionated and not scared to speak my mind, have had my heart broken the ways I've had, and still wear it on my sleeve, I'm one of the sexiest women he knows. I didn't feel it at the time, I was flattered and it endeared me to him but I just couldn't really believe him.

Now I can kind of see that.

I think about relationships, the way they should be, and I get this tug behind my navel that says "I want that." I want it more than I want a Macbook, a dog, a white Mercedes, a house in the hills of a beautiful southern state, or to sing on Broadway.

There have been guys, some that I really didn't like and some that I really did. The ones I liked didn't make it past that awkward phase. I got nervous, said something (or things) that weren't me and I didn't really mean so they didn't get to know me and moved on. Because the person I portrayed wasn't cool, intelligent, or funny. She was just dumb. And she was scared, scared to get really honest because then they would abandon her completely devastated just like he did.

I didn't give us a chance to get close so that if it didn't work out, no one's broken-hearted.

I want to get out there and meet him, fear be damned because the payoff will be huge.

So let's get honest. Let's not shy away from who we are.

I am opinionated and I think myself into dizziness. I love fiercely and care deeply. I am smart and funny and full of creative potential. I wear my heart on my sleeve but hide behind the walls I built for myself.

I am beautiful and he's going to be the luckiest guy I'll know.
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I can't believe I'm putting this out there...