The Art of Defense

It's amazing how small acts can trigger instincts you were previously unaware of. I am generally an introspective person, very thoughtful in what I am doing and why. But even I have discovered certain learned behaviors I didn't realize I had picked up. Scars are powerful, don't let anyone ever tell you any differently, they shape the things we do even after they are healed to the point you can't see them so well. I've gone through some pretty painful things that left scars that I will never not be aware of (hello double negative, try to keep up). And recently I discovered some things I do defensively, trusty actions designed to keep me from getting hurt while appearing somewhat normal. Clinging to feelings for someone knowing things will go nowhere so I know I'll never actually get hurt. And I've realized I have to decide if I'm just looking for things not to like in people that are really great so they can't potentially harm me down the road, or if traits are legitimate concerns that I need to stay away from.
A friend and I discussed it at some length the other day and it was really good to hear things coming out of my mouth and having them be affirmed as not crazy, just honest consequences of having your heart broken a few times. Also to hear encouragement and sensical advice, which is always appreciated by me. The first step being to admit you have a problem, my friend told me that just being aware and trying to be open were really important steps (and I have to agree). It's pretty amazing what just knowing those things does for the stress of "relationships" or anything else...I felt like things got a lot less complicated when I put those pieces together.
So my goal is to be open to what may be a pleasant surprise somewhere, and to be discerning in my thoughts (weeding out the problems I make up). We've all got our baggage, and if I may quote my favorite musical: I'm lookin' for baggage that goes with mine. Ah, Rent, you got me again...