hope for tomorrow

So, no complaints, but I have been so freakin' busy this weekend. Lunch dates, dinner dates, concerts, friends, craziness. Tomorrow I have a plan:

1. Wake up whenever I happen to do so.
2. Get a little food...breakfast...whatever.
3. Watch T.V.
4. Do a little laundry.
5. Forget about laundry as I read various blogs, check e-mail, get caught up in said T.V., etc.
6. Finally take a shower around one in the afternoon, immediately put on some kind of pajamas and watch more T.V. as I check more blogs and MySpace.
7. Write on Facebook walls.
8. Pull out my guitar and actually practice, during commercials.
9. Begrudgingly give other family members the remote as I strum guitar and grumpily mumble about the shows they choose to watch.
10. Blog my deep thoughts about my life that is obviously so very interesting.

Sometimes your life is so crazy you just need that kind of day and I am not ashamed to say so.

and the list goes on

Numbers 21-30

21. I have the biggest crush on Hyde from That 70s Show. I am fully aware that he is a made-up character on a T.V. show, but I'm seriously in love with him.
22. I probably could have just made a list of all the OCD things that I do instead of this list. It's pretty bad (not nearly the worst), but I've gotten really good at hiding how panicked I get when I somehow get prevented from doing those things or someone does them wrong.
23. If you've ever heard of the "love languages," mine are giving/receiving gifts and acts of service. If you want to show me you love me get me a little something that made you think of me or get my oil changed for me. If I get you little things or do your dishes, I'm totally crazy about you.
24. I own Hotel Rwanda on DVD but haven't actually watched it yet. I want to. There just hasn't been a time that I've had the time to prepare myself to sit down and watch it. I will though.
25. I love the scent of beer and smoke (from cigarettes, or another form of tobacco) on a man. Beer, I've been told is not so strange but cigarettes is apparently really weird. Sometimes if I wear my jacket into a smoky bar I won't wash it for a little bit so I can sniff it for a
couple days. Should I smoke a cigarette myself (very rarely), I'll be holding those two fingers up to my nose for hours later. There is no apparent reason for this.
26. I really can't deal with scary movies. I've had friends spend the night with me after scary movies because I couldn't be by myself (usually because somebody said some movie wasn't all that scary and they were really lying).
27. I was in modeling and acting classes all throughout middle school and well into high school.
28. I love grapefruit juice. I drink Ocean Spray 100% Juice and love it. I didn't at first but after a very short time I started getting little cravings for it. Now I go through bottles of it a little too quickly, I'm sure.
29. I want to go on a kayaking trip. The kind that takes a week or so, just hanging out on a river. I used to work in an outdoors store and it really made me want to take trips like that. I loved that job.
30. I still have hiking boots from that job that I've never really gotten to use. I won them in a boot fitting competition. We did custom boot fittings and I rocked the face off that contest and now those beautiful prize boots sit on a shelf in my closet.

more "lasers"

Ok, so there were a couple questions about the laser hair removal that I didn't answer because I didn't think anyone would really want to know about it, but apparently I was wrong. I decided to write another post in order to answer them.

The first question was about where I'm getting it done and the answer to that is my underarms and bikini (Brazilian). Being a Florida girl, it's tough not being able to wear a swimsuit or tank/tube top whenever you want because shaving is such pain (both physically and "emotionally"). These are the places that are most important to me but I've been told the procedure is addictive and I may end up wanting more areas done (I'd say it's actually the results that are most addictive and not so much the procedure itself). Maybe someday I won't be able to go on living without getting my legs done too, or something.

Anyway, the next question was about what laser hair removal actually is. For that I will be referencing Wikipedia and my own experience from tonight. Ok, from Wikipedia:

The primary principle behind laser hair removal is selective photothermolysis. Lasers can cause localized damage by selectively heating dark target matter in the area that causes hair growth while not heating the rest of the skin. Light is absorbed by dark objects, so laser energy can be absorbed by dark material in the skin (but with much more speed and intensity). This dark target matter, or chromophore, can be naturally-occurring or artificially introduced.

Hair removal lasers selectively target Melanin:

• Melanin is considered the primary chromophore for all hair removal lasers currently on the market. Melanin occurs naturally in the skin (it gives skin and hair its color). There are two types of melanin in hair: eumelanin (which gives hair brown or black color) and pheomelanin (which gives hair blonde or red color). Because of the selective absorption of photons of laser light, only black or brown hair can be removed.

And

Laser is attracted to dark pigment and therefore works best with dark coarse hair. Light skin and dark hair are an ideal combination, but new lasers are now able to target dark black hair even in patients with dark skin.

So that's the scientific gist of it. Here's my take:

When you go in for your first session of laser hair removal and two technicians both look at the areas you're there for and say, "Poor baby, no wonder you're here!" then you made the right decision. You know how it says laser is attracted to dark pigment and therefore works best with dark coarse hair? Yeah, that's me, dark coarse hair. The woman working with me told me I was the perfect candidate. They put an ultrasound gel on the area and then pulse systematically with the laser. The darker the hair, the hotter it has to be and the more likely it will be to sting like hell. It hurt. Momentarily. I was still cringing so badly that we switched lasers. This is because of that dark coarse hair we mentioned and the fact that my skin was a bit irritated because you have to shave before you go in. Let's just say, not everyone will have that problem.

It still wasn't hurting me in the sense that there will be permanent damage. On the contrary, it will get better and better until there's nothing but soft, smooth skin. The technician also gave me a bunch of tips on keeping the pain to a minimum so that the laser could be set a little higher (for maximum efficiency).

The sessions are spaced out quite a bit, eight weeks, but you can shave as much as you need to in between and that will keep getting easier (until it's completely unnecessary, of course). I do wish I could go in sooner because it's one of those things you want to just jump to the end of out of excitement to see the results and just not wanting to deal with the sessions anymore. I've made it sound like it was excruciating but the pain was temporary and it's something the technician can adjust to a certain degree working with what you need (as in what will actually get the job done). Oh, and one more time, a lot of people won't have as much "discomfort" as i did.

The technician told me at the end, "You're not a big baby, you just have really thick, dark hair and so that's going to be extra tough at first. Just remember, ice, ibuprofen, and a B vitamin complex before you come in next time. If you need to, take something more and have someone else drive you."

Hope that answers all the important questions, I'm sure I just told you way more than you wanted to know. The above questions were put out there by Nicole Antoinette of More is Better and DS of Strange Musings of a Distracted Spunk, respectively. You should be reading both of their blogs if you're not already because they are most excellent.

Any other questions I will gladly answer via comments.

"lasers"

All I ask is for sharks with freakin' laser beams attached to their heads!

As long as those lasers prevent unwanted hair from returning to my body. Really, you might not want to know this at all but I'm just so-very looking forward to it: I signed up for laser hair removal today.

The wonderful lady doing my consultation asked me if I'd been considering it for awhile and I said, "Well, ever since I heard that there was such a thing I've been ready for it." And it is so true.

A bit nervous about paying for it in the long run, but fully aware that the amount I won't be spending on shaving/waxing/etc. supplies will more than even it out. And without going into too much detail, a lifetime without razor burn is well worth the money. However, should you desire to donate toward a fund to pay for this stuff I'll accept your money.

Actually, I signed up today because I won a big chunk of money towards the procedure and they had two other deals they were willing to give me as well (usually they wouldn't let me use three at once).

I've never been so into lasers. Well, other than how cool light sabers are.

the things I say that make my mother roll her eyes

Cue: An "Every kiss begins with Kay" commercial.

"I don't think so, if you wanna kiss me it better start with 'Cartier,' or 'Tiffany's,' or 'two tickets to Prague,' or..."

And then she rolled her eyes to the point I thought they might get stuck...

ooh and ah

Look at the cuteness I found on Etsy:


They are the sweetest little necklaces! You can find them from bridgetmbird and there are enough designs to suit most any fancy. I love the simplicity and the uniqueness they have. Perfect for an outfit that needs that extra girly flair without going overboard.

So lovely...

random thoughts

All the stuff that's running around in my head isn't really staying long enough for me to remember it. I think I'm going mad because I just think think think myself in circles. I mean really, how many thoughts can one brain hold?

Oi, what am I doing with my life?

Poetry to come soon, I realized I haven't posted much of it in quite a while. I need to go through the notebooks and sort out what I can put together.

because:

the world keeps spinnin' round and round
and my heart's keepin' time to the speed of sound
I was lost 'til I heard the drums, then I found my way...
'cause you can't stop the beat

-Just thought you should know.

Hmm...

Ever have trouble deciding what to do? I don't mean with your life, or anything cosmic of that nature. I'm just talking about for the day or the weekend.

I do.

I am the walrus

Tagged again! Because it's one I've not been tagged for before and it seemed like a fun one, I bumped it to the front of the line and decided to do it tonight. Nicole Antoinette tagged me and hers came out very interesting, so let's see what happens.

What you do:
1. Put Your iTunes/music player on shuffle
2. For each question press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT

Then you tag five more people and ta-da!

If someone says “is this Okay,” you say?
You Got That Right - Lynyrd Skynyrd (that's funny, don't know why this is in my collection though)

What would best describe your personality?
The Changeling - The Doors (yeah, baby!)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
The Way I Feel - Matt Wertz (Aw...that's cute)

How do you feel today?
Your Mother Should Know - The Beatles (HAHAHA!)

What is your life's purpose?
Razzle Dazzle - Richard Gere and Cast, Chicago (hmm...what does that say about me?)

What is your motto?
There is no Mathematics to Love and Loss - Anberlin (true, true)

What do your friends think of you?
Crazy - Time Blane (I don't know how I feel about that)

What do you think of your parents?
Sick and Tired - Eric Clapton (I'm sure they are a bit, or I am of them...)

What do you think about very often?
Bigger Than My Body - John Mayer (word)

What is 2+2?
Only One - Lifehouse (one four, right?)

What do you think of your best friend?
Sweet Potato Pie - Ray Charles and James Taylor (she is, too)

What do you think of the person you like?
The Last Ones Standing - Corey Crowder (so, like, he's the last single friend too?)

What is your life story?
More Than Fine - Switchfoot (I sure hope so)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
No One Else - Weezer ('cause I'm so cool the way I am)

What do you think when you see the person you like?
Please Take Me Home - Blink-182 (and make me your wife...?)

What do your parents think of you?
Like a Star - Corinne Bailey Rae (I'm just such a shining light in their lives)

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Where You Are - Marc Broussard (well that will be just lovely)

What will they play at your funeral?
Riders on the Storm - The Doors (that seems appropriate)

What is your hobby/interest?
Make You Smile - (+44) (I do like to make people smile)

What is your biggest secret?
A Murder of One - Counting Crows (I promise, that's not true at all)

What do you think of your friends?
One More Year - Altar White (yes we have had another year together, and Altar White are my friends...that works...)

What should you post this as?
I Am the Walrus - Bono and Secret Machines, Across the Universe Soundtrack

Well that was fun, now I must tag five more people but I think I'm just going to leave it open for anyone that wants to do it. It was fun and you should give it a try!

give thanks, love all, serve all

Ah, Thanksgiving, the day everyone in States celebrates the day we took over the natives' land and eventually sent them packing to the less desirable parts of the nation.

Really, I'm not that person. It's actually a really nice holiday for a lot of people getting together with their families without all the pressure that comes with Christmas. It's not my personal favourite holiday, I just always got excited about the week off from school I got (unfortunately that's not the case this year, Thanksgiving week is a very normal one for me with work).

I know lot's of families have their nice little traditions, gathering around big bird carcasses (I just realized that sounds like I'm talking about the one from Sesame Street, but it's funny so I'm not changing it) and eating way too much food. And inevitably everyone gets asked leading up to the day, "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" My response is fun, ready for it? I don't think you are but I'll tell you anyway, my family goes to the Hard Rock Cafe and enjoys what little stress is involved in not running around the kitchen all day. Oh yeah.

It started just last year when we asked ourselves the question, "What do we want to do for Thanksgiving?" Mom's answer, "I don't want to cook." So we all started thinking of a cool place we could go to eat Thanksgiving dinner and came up with a place that has food and music, Hard Rock. We went, had a great time, and as we were sitting there we decided that it must officially become tradition. I think it's the first year that there wasn't a lot of fighting (for the most part) or eye-rolling (ok, not so much with the eye-rolling, I mean, I was there).

And that's the story of Thanksgiving.

Hopefully I'll figure out how to be comfortably vegan at our meal this year, it might be a tad bit of a challenge. I think the only bad part will be obnoxiously asking the waitperson all kinds of questions about what's in stuff and possible substitutions. Next year, remind me to call ahead.

By the way, right now I'm watching the parade and getting a tad bit jealous of the coats and scarves. Who am I? Because that has never happened before. I'm kind of missing seasons right now, crazy.

Alright then, on to the thanks in Thanksgiving:

- As much as I wish there were a little more distance between us most of the time, I'm ever-so-grateful for my family. They're good people.
- My friends are awesome, wherever they happen to be residing right now. I love them and they mean the world to me. I'm so thankful for them because I know I wouldn't have made it through some stuff if God hadn't blessed me with such beautiful friendships.
- Arbonne, the products that make my life easier and the opportunities the business provides me. Hooray for healthy!
- Music, because really, what would my life be without it? Nothing, an empty shell.
- The babies at work. As much as I have to complain about and as stressful as it can be to deal with them three days a week (seriously, my boss, L.'s mommy asked me the other day as we were leaving, "Do you not go home and just drink?"), I do have a lot of fun with them. They are funny, sweet (when they want to be), and their hugs are the best kind.
- My voice. In most of the ways that can be interpreted.

And all the little stuff, I've got a lot to say "thanks" for!

Have a fantastic Thanksgiving everyone!

Oh so enchanting!

I have just arrived home from seeing Enchanted and if I may just get straight to the point, I adored it. So charming and so funny, it sparkles.

If you aren't already aware of the premise it goes something like this: prince and girl fall in love in perfect, animated world; wicked step-mother pushes girl into well on her wedding day and girl falls into live-action New York where she meets a single dad and his daughter who help her. Hilarity ensues.

I mentioned in a previous post how eager I was to see it as my favourite Broadway star, Idina Menzel plays a role and that was what made me need to see it. And as much as I really loved her part and her in it, the rest of the movie was beyond my expectations. I suppose I didn't expect it to be so smartly entertaining. What else? The characters were fantastic, casting made all the right choices. Amy Adams was so adorable and entertaining playing the lead, Gisele, I almost forgot I was watching a Disney movie (and not because of the type of humour).

You really should go see it, especially if you're of the feminine persuasion (or of the masculine one and want to learn a little something). My future "someone" should be forewarned, I will make you watch this movie a lot leading up to, and throughout our marriage someday (just so you know).

nice little surprises

I just checked in at BlogMad to do some surfing and look around and guess what? I found out that my blog was the blog of the day on Monday!

How exciting is that?

Yay!

no, really, I love being vegan

What? Why won't you believe me?

One of the most frustrating things I have faced in becoming vegan has not been finding things to eat. I have actually grown more adventurous and developed a love of trying new things. There are so many flavors and great foods out there that are good for you and fully lacking animal products.

No, the most frustrating thing has been trying to eat in non-vegan friendly places with omnivores. I went to T.G.I.Friday's with my parents on Saturday, and the only quasi-healthy option that appealed to me was chips and salsa (with a gigantic margarita, and I say "quasi-healthy" because the only other thing was deep fried green beans which I decided are less healthy). Tomorrow at work they are offering up a Thanksgiving pot-luck lunch and there may be be salad, but even that is not always safe what with cheese, creamy dressings, eggs, or things that people put in salad now. Even this, inherently, is not what really bothers me about having to eat like this. What really bothers me is that I end up looking like a vegan martyr.

It's not that I can't eat anything, people. It's that you just hone in on those few foods that I find entirely inedible and decide those are the only foods in the world that belong on your menu, promptly forgetting that there are other options out there. I don't think I'm suffering from being vegan, stop looking at me like that.

Tomorrow I will take a pumpkin cheese pie that I found the recipe for in Eat, Drink, and be Vegan (awesome cookbook, get it and you won't be disappointed). I'm pretty excited about it, even though I just took it out of the oven and the very edges of the crust look a little dark. I'm excited because it will probably taste good, and people will see that I don't have to miss out on really good food. And this pie didn't even take a whole lot of effort or crazy ingredients.

Oh, and protein? Well, I take it intravenously from needles that all the vegans share. We tried snorting it but it just didn't work out as well. No, seriously, that's why we're all so thin and shaky, we're malnourished and hopped up on protein injections.

Just needed a somewhat sarcastic and venting-type post, it's been awhile. I now encourage you to go out and hug a vegan, or someone different if you are, in fact, a vegan.
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"I am a deeply superficial person."
--Andy Warhol

just can't get a break...

...man.

I am sick again. There was a brief period where I was all, "Hey, all that congestion seems to be clearing up and the babies didn't get me all that sick this time." I suppose what happened was that my immune system was in a somewhat weakened state, allowing a little stomach bug to invade. I spent all day feeling like I was about to throw up what little I ate and making sure I could visualize the route to the nearest receptacle available for this purpose at all times.

Thankfully, I never actually had to vomit. I know that you were really curious about all the gory details...

I made it home to sit and eat crackers while perusing the blogging world and watching television. After finishing my cup of detox tea with a teaspoon each of sugar and soy vanilla creamer, I decided it was time to get to my own corner of said blogging world and write something for all of you, my lovely readers, to come take a gander at.

So, because I am not quite myself I'll do yet another installment of things about me.

#11-20

11. I really can't stand when people use the word "hate" when referring to a person or people. It just makes me really uncomfortable. It's just uncalled for, especially if you're saying something like "I hate people that use the word 'like' too much." No, you hate that someone uses the word "like" too much, not the person doing it.
12. I hate when people use the word "like" too much.
13. I often speak in the plural about myself. I think this is due to the way my brother and I grew up (see number seven). We were really close, so I'll stay stuff like "We hated Sesame Street, we would always rather go read or play outside."
14. My laugh is really goofy.
15. I get it into my head pretty often that I'd like to up and move. The top three places I think about are Nashville, London, and Prague. I like change and I get restless, it's the bohemian gypsy in me.
16. I do not like chocolate. No really, I don't. And yes, that just means more for you.
17. I was raised on good music, classical to classic rock. So now I love all kinds of good music, if it's quality I'm a fan.
18. I have six piercings. Two per ear plus one industrial. My nose. My bottom lip. My navel. They are less expensive than tattoos and don't take as much planning, so I have ended up with more of them.
19. I have two tattoos. The one mentioned in number seven. One on my lower back (that's right) and it was my first one. It's a star-type deal, but there's some things I want to do to make it a bit more special.
20. I plan to get a few more tattoos. Don't get all shocked mom, I already told you. One of them will be a tribute to my grandparents because they have great significance for me.

If I keep getting sick we'll get to one hundred pretty quick, and before you know it maybe a thousand. Are there a thousand fascinating things about me? Probably not something to aim for...
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I am a wanderer I have no place or time,
I'm just drifting on this lonely road of mine,
If you like you can come along with me,
but I promise you that I am not the man I used to be...
but I promise you that I am not the man I used to be...
-- "The Wanderer," Marc Broussard

you get ten at a time

Ten. Got it? That's it.

We're jumping off that bridge with 100 Things About Me since I should go to bed (and I am a bit sleepy) but don't completely feel like it because that means tomorrow is almost here.

100 Things About Me, #1-10

1. Snow White is/was my favourite fairy tale. We're not necessarily talking Disney, I loved that story in whatever book it was in. I want to collect lots of pretty copies of it and have a whole shelf (or smallish bookcase) dedicated to it.

2. Les Miserables made me cry like a baby at the end. It is a very close second to Anna Karenina on my list of favourite books.
3. My brother and I are complete opposites, but we are really close. We can talk about nerdy childish obsessions for hours (examples include Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Latin).
4. I am really good at learning languages. There are quite a few I would like to actually practice and know enough to actually use them. Top five: Czech, German, French, Italian, Russian.
5. My favourite colour fluctuates constantly. Right now it might be red, before that it was green. I should just say they're all my favourite and leave it at that.
6. I'm obsessed with music. It is pure joy.
7. I suffered really badly with bipolar disorder and depression from high school all throughout college. I had really bad panic attacks and cut myself. When I gave it up to God He pulled me through, the tattoo on my left wrist is a name for Him over the spot I used to cut.
8. I hate doing things by myself, purely because of my incredibly social nature. I probably annoy my loved ones by getting needy when I'm not getting much socialization.
9. I'm not very good with affection. It takes awhile for me to get comfortable enough to hug someone (or things of that nature), I even weird out when people sit too close too me.
10. Do not bother me when I'm in the shower, it will not bode well for you. That's me time, and I will get really pissy if you try to interact with me in any way while I am trying to bathe.

That's your ten for today. Maybe we'll go beyond one hundred and I'll just do ten when I feel inclined to do so. It could be interesting to see what number I get to.
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"Well she's fashionably lean
and she's fashionably late
she'll never rank a scene
she'll never break a date
but she's no drag
just watch the way she walks..."
--"Twentieth Century Fox," The Doors

I want to be...

...the next Dr. Who sidekick.

I mean, I know the role is probably already cast, but how cool would that be? I'm just sayin' we'd be a good team, the Doctor and I.

we named it "Jill"

Mom: Why does it want you to go that way? (Talking about the new Garmin navigation thingy).

Dad: It goes by the major roads.

Mom: Well you know where you're going, can we turn it off?

Dad: No, it will reprogram for the easy route.

Jill: Recalculating...

Mom: She's mad at you.

Me: Yeah, she thinks you're a jerk.

Mom: She's says "recalculating" like she's frustrated with you.

Me: Yeah, "recalculating, d**n it, son of a b***h..."

parent day

Tentative plans to frolic and play did not work out. However, some of us are plotting for picnic/frolic/photo/guitar time for the afternoon tomorrow...

Instead, I hung out with my parents today. That is not a bad thing (because I haven't done it in awhile and I get free stuff). We went to see Beowulf, in 3D(!). That's right, 3D(!) baby.

I was never a fan of the story itself, so I was pretty nonplussed by the movie. I was really only there because pops was paying and there wasn't anything else I was more interested in seeing, along with the 3D(!) thing. However, it was pretty well done and I really want to buy the song that Idina Menzel (oh-how-I-love-her) recorded for the soundtrack.

The theatre that we go to is right next to this discount bookstore that has some kind of magnetic field that my family is in no way immune to, so we ended up in there after the movie. We got a bunch of books and there were plenty more that we had trouble keeping our hands off of. I even swindled my dad into putting a couple of mine on his tab. All together we spent maybe fifty dollars on over a hundred dollars worth of books (and two CDs). Books are like crack to my family, we're always trying to find more room for our books. And once we seem to have fit them all in (which, actually, I'm not sure that has ever happened), more books arrive and we have to hunt down a home for them. Which explains this exchange in the bookstore:

Mom (as she see the four or five books in my hands) "Whoa."
Me (with that "what?" look on my face) "This is not my fault."
Mom "That's true..."

After that we went to dinner, and that's not really special at all. But it was kind of nice to chill with my parents (and get a little free food). I did feel bad when the drink I ordered came to the table and it was really big, I mean huge. Then when the check showed up the price wasn't any less shocking. I felt bad...especially because I'm not entirely sure it was worth it.

That's about it, I'm not very interesting today. I had to default to the "what I did today" post since most of the stuff I'm planning to write about is still coming together in my head.

I'm just so fully committed to this NaBloPoMo thing. More than half-way I've got to keep going, right?

heaven in a recycled paper cup

Today I had a twelve ounce, vanilla, hemp milk latte. How did I ever live without it? The Drunken Monkey is officially the coolest coffee shop I'll be frequenting.

I cannot explain with words how good it was. It is possible I will quickly form an addiction to this beverage. I could probably even go without the flavoring, it was the hemp milk that made it so wonderful.

Tomorrow I want to go get one and then go frolic and play in a park. Up for it Becka? I'm dead serious, bring your camera and we will go find a cool playground. We will swing really high, do cartwheels, and take cool pictures. Pretty please? Please, please, please?

Singlehood

I am the last one.

Well, the last female anyway. Among my close circle of friends (you know, the ones that make up the core of your social group) I am "the single girl." There are a couple of guys that are also single, but I am that third/fifth/seventh wheel. It's not my favourite thing.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my friends. They are some of the most beautiful, talented, comical people I have had the privilege of being associated with. But at times (ok, most times) I feel a little twinge of jealousy when I'm the only one at the table without a hand to hold.

I'm not usually this candid.

I've had one "real" relationship in my life. It started off wonderfully. We made a lot of mistakes. It ended terribly. He shattered my heart into a thousand little fragments I never thought I would put back together. A friend of mine told me once that because I'm opinionated and not scared to speak my mind, have had my heart broken the ways I've had, and still wear it on my sleeve, I'm one of the sexiest women he knows. I didn't feel it at the time, I was flattered and it endeared me to him but I just couldn't really believe him.

Now I can kind of see that.

I think about relationships, the way they should be, and I get this tug behind my navel that says "I want that." I want it more than I want a Macbook, a dog, a white Mercedes, a house in the hills of a beautiful southern state, or to sing on Broadway.

There have been guys, some that I really didn't like and some that I really did. The ones I liked didn't make it past that awkward phase. I got nervous, said something (or things) that weren't me and I didn't really mean so they didn't get to know me and moved on. Because the person I portrayed wasn't cool, intelligent, or funny. She was just dumb. And she was scared, scared to get really honest because then they would abandon her completely devastated just like he did.

I didn't give us a chance to get close so that if it didn't work out, no one's broken-hearted.

I want to get out there and meet him, fear be damned because the payoff will be huge.

So let's get honest. Let's not shy away from who we are.

I am opinionated and I think myself into dizziness. I love fiercely and care deeply. I am smart and funny and full of creative potential. I wear my heart on my sleeve but hide behind the walls I built for myself.

I am beautiful and he's going to be the luckiest guy I'll know.
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I can't believe I'm putting this out there...

I want you...

...I want you so bad
I want you
I want you so bad it's drivin' me mad,
it's drivin' me mad...

Sitting here using my evil-imp-possessed laptop (I hate you, Dell), I decided to meander onto the wonderful dream that is the Apple website to ogle the 13-inch, white, 2.2 GHz Macbook. I sit and read the same information I've read who knows how many times before, looking at the same pictures, wishing I could miraculously find the money under the sofa to go to the Apple store today and bring one home.

It's not too lofty a dream, it's definitely my next computer when this one is officially out of commission. For now, I just wait for the opportunity to chuck this thing in the retention pond and sit down with a beautiful addition to my little family. I just hope I can resist the urge to do the throwing part before the addition part.
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Today I am sick. My throat is scratchy and icky feeling, my nose is stuffy, and my sinuses feel swollen (if that makes any sense at all). All the babies have been congested and stuffy, D. even has a minor ear infection, and this time around they passed it to me. It's not much fun, but it could be worse considering my current state of "in-between" health insurance. In that case, anything I don't need a doctor for is probably the bright side.

I'm it!

I got tagged by Lauren and I'd feel bad if I ignored it or something. Plus, it's kind of a neat tag game.

Firstly, the rules:
Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
Share seven random/weird facts about yourself.
Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here we go, seven random/weird facts about yours truly:
1. I don't get out of bed until the time ends in an even number or ends in five. It's one of many OCD quirks. It's one I only just noticed recently, but noticing those has become very mundane for me.
2. I hate gauchos. I just cannot understand why anyone thinks they are cute. It really is just me though, and I can deal with that.
3. I was born in Naha, Okinawa, Japan. I don't think that's either random or weird, but I don't think I've shared it here yet.
4. I have been testing at post-college reading levels since about fourth or fifth grade. The "Accelerated Reader" program wasn't quite accelerated enough for me, they never had books past an eighth grade level.
5. On the other hand, I still have a very loose grasp of my multiplication tables, and sometimes even problems with addition and subtraction. Basically, I just never bothered to learn them. Even that young I had a firm grasp on what I thought was a waste of my time. Perhaps I should have learned them though.
6. I've never seen The Goonies. Apparently, this is just awful and my friends tell me I have to see it. I tell them I want to and a viewing together would be oh-so-much fun, but I'm actually not all that interested in seeing it.
7. Ever since I was little I have had an intolerance to seafood. That means that its effects on me are nauseousness and vomiting, but my throat doesn't close up or anything crazy. My dad didn't believe me, thinking I just didn't like it, for a long time and would make me eat fish anyway. When I would visit my ex's family on the Gulf Coast in Mississippi (people that live on a diet primarily of seafood) I got told, "You can't eat seafood?! That's awful, I would kill myself if I couldn't eat seafood!" a lot. And yes, that is so uplifting to hear.

Alright, so I have to tag people. Let's go with:
1. Becka (third tag's the charm, you really have to do it now)
2. Super Wife
3. Tattooed Mama
4. Nicole Antoinette
5. Sassy Belle (so...I see you've already done it and I guess that means you can ignore my tag)
6. I don't know
7. I don't know (sorry Lauren, my head's all stuffy and I lost my ability to think)

Have fun!

Hey, everything's right, yeah, everything's right tonight...

I just got back from seeing Matt Wertz, Dave Barnes, and the Gabe Dixon band at the Social! Yes, that calls for the exclamation point.

I've loved Matt Wertz's music for a long time, and Dave Barnes' isn't too shabby either. The Gabe Dixon band was fantastic, I had heard of them but sometimes you have to see a group live to fully soak in their talent. The best part of the show was that the guys did a bunch of the old favourites, which is always a good call. It makes for that kind of show where everyone is all smiles and singing along with lots of energy. Wertz and Barnes are close friends so they did most of the show playing together and making jokes. It was a lot of fun and they were so funny.

I was really excited and went all by myself because I had never gotten to see Matt Wertz live before. I got right up front and could have touched him if I wanted to be that creepy kid. Several people I knew ended up being there though, so I had an even better time. I feel bad though because I was taking pictures of my friend with a couple of the artists and it did not go well. A bit of my finger was in one and the other was blurry from me not holding the camera steady. I suck at life...ok, I'm just sorry I messed up her pictures. A big highlight, however was when we met the guys after the show. One of my friends back in Alabama is also a big Wertz fan and said if he sang "Sweetness and Starlight" I could hold my phone up for her to hear it. Well, he didn't sing it. So when we joined the small crowd getting pictures and whatnot I called her and asked him to sing it to her over the phone. He got all shy and took the phone down the sidewalk a little bit, but he did it! He told her he gets embarrassed when people ask him to sing acapella. It was awesome!

It was a super exciting night, great stuff. I'll post soon about a cause that they have been working on and give you the information on how they are trying to help those less fortunate, right now I have a bunch of stuff to do and am quickly losing the ability to keep my eyes open as I do so.

I'm so happy, I'll be having wonderful dreams tonight!
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Fallin' asleep
To the sound of stars
Shooting 'round the moon
But I can't watch them fly tonight, baby
I'm too busy watchin' you.

I guess your smile is the sun's way
Of lighting up what's dark
So shine, shine, shine for me baby
It only takes a spark

Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til day sighs
Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til sun rise
-- from "Sweetness in Starlight" - Matt Wertz

I should look this person up:

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious." -- Brendan Gill

not helping

I know I've mentioned how crazy-forgetful I've been lately. I don't like it, because I'm not used to it at all.

You know what doesn't help? When random things happen like my browser deleting all my bookmarks. All of them. Gone. How am I supposed to find all the cool stuff I've collected online? All the nifty blogs, random items, cool websites, wish lists, and tools I need direct access to? I mean really, do I have time to go search for every last thing? I'll get to it, but how quickly I have no idea. I had a lot of stuff on there.

I almost threw my computer across the room when I found an empty bookmarks tab.

Thank you!

I've noticed my blog on some new blogrolls lately and I am genuinely flattered and honored that y'all think my humble blog is noteworthy. So I just wanted to mention it and say thank you. I've enjoyed finding new friends to read as well and have tried to keep my blogroll updated with links to all of you as well!

Thanks again, pals of the blogging world!
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"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman" -- Virginia Woolf

Acrostics

I don't know why I was thinking about this today, but I was and that's all there is to it. When I was in elementary school and we'd do a section on poetry we always had to look at acrostics and they always made us write one with our name. There were also times when they were used as exercises in building self-esteem and you'd have to write them for someone else or something. I hated when we had to do these. "Why," you might ask, "would you hate something so simple and inconsequential as acrostics?" And to that I would reply, "Because I have a frickin' 'x' in my name, that's why."

When you have an "x" in a word or a name the only thing you can come up with (as an elementary schooler) is either "xylophone" or "x-ray." Otherwise, you have to cop out and put a little "e" in front of it for "excellent."

So here's what I've come up with, it's not quite an acrostic (because I don't feel like formatting) but it's the myriad of words I could use today.

A is for amazing, artful, awesome, about to blow your mind, abnormal, absolute beauty, adaptable, adept, adorable, adventurous, already in your head, artist, attractive

L is for lovely, lactose-intolerant, lark, leggy, likely to think too hard, like liqueur on his lips, literary, lithe, little bit country, little bit rock and roll, luminous, laid-back

E is for eclectic, ethereal, effortless, egalitarian, eloquent, elusive lover, engaging, entertaining, entirely wonderful, epic in potential, ethical, exploding with song, eyeful

X is for xenial, xenomaniac, xenophiliac

I is for intensely thoughtful, illuminating, imaginative, immeasurably more than you expected, impalpable, imperfect, incredibly honest, indescribable, individual, inquisitive, instinctually creative, intelligent

S is for spell-binding, sexy, surely a great catch, sagacious, sarcastic, scandalously hot, scrappy, self-aware, so-not-very-serious, shockproof, show-stopper, social, spinach-eating, starry

Ta-da! That's all I have, "x" is still a hard letter to find words for that accurately describe a person such as myself...
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Now I know my ABCs, next time won't you sing with me?

Invisible Children

Fall Out Boy has a really cool video out now:



I don't know if you are familiar with the Invisible Children films or the cause but I would ask you to visit their website, www.invisiblechildren.com, and take a look at what's going on. I have had friends working with them before, one in particular that went to Africa to do mission work with the group. It's a very worthwhile cause to be educated on and help in whatever way you can. My college did a lot of fundraisers when the first film emerged (and I believe it is still one of the big causes that gets support there) to offer assistance and I was really excited to see most everyone in my school come together for one thing. In a small school that was usually quite divided on most things, everyone saw a need and did what they could when we worked for Invisible Children.

It may upset you to check it out and honestly, I hope it does. These things we should not turn a blind eye to or gloss over. Terrible things are happening for some people and if we are in a position that we can do something, anything, let's do it. Christmas is coming and you could buy bracelets to give as gifts (they are made by the children), or make a donation in someone's name. Even if you just raise awareness and post a link, banner, or video on your website/blog/networking profile, you are doing something.
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"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." -- Edmund Burke

Strawberry Fields Forever!

I did, in fact, go to see Across the Universe by myself last night. I'm out of town tonight and tomorrow morning and figured I should make sure I saw it before it left the theatres. I've never gone to a movie by myself and I'm a little proud of myself for taking that little step. I can't say I've ever been what you would call a loner so doing things all by myself is something that scares me a bit as I didn't think it could be very fun or rewarding, but it's not that bad.

It was a fantastic film, truly wonderful. I've got a penchant for pretty much anything about that era-- and a movie jam packed with nothing but music from the Beatles? How could you pass that up? The use of the songs is close to perfection, the way it's matched lyrically and rhythmically to what's going on in the scene is fantastic. The story is also realistically charged with the feeling and ideas of the time, which is really carried out by the actors. It's the Beatles, it's trippy, it's got love, it's got politics, it's got me planning to shell out money for the soundtrack and the DVD when it comes out.


I feel a bit strange saying I want to get the soundtrack because, well, technically I already have it. I mean, all those songs are on the Beatles albums (However, I checked my iTunes list and somehow I only put Abbey Road and The White Album on there so I'll have to find the other ones we have and upload them lickity-split). But the soundtrack puts all those songs I want together with the covers from the movie (that were really good), following the whole movie storyline...you know how it is. With the soundtrack I'm more relating to scenes in the film and not singing along with the legends while I feel grateful that the Beatles were at one time in existence to put together such awesome music.

It's funny, sometimes you need a reminder as to why you love something and why it's so good. The movie was independently a really great work of art and also jogged my memory as to why that's some of my favourite music. But in the end, isn't that what most great art does?
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Does anybody else feel like time is going by a lot faster than usual? -- me, just now when I looked at the time...

lovely days part deux

I've done nothing today. Except make those pancakes and just barely start doing laundry. I may run to Publix in a minute just to have gotten out and stretch my legs and whatever benefit that may have. The one thing I actually wish I'd done still isn't very productive, but all the same I should have gone to see Across the Universe. I've been wanting to see it since I saw the first preview and haven't had a chance yet. Naturally it's too late today as there's only one theatre relatively close to me still playing it, and it's out at Universal CityWalk and I'd rather not drive out there by myself and go through all those crowds. I should have checked the times because there was an earlier showing...maybe I'll still go, we'll see.

Anyway, I did edit a few pictures of the babies I took yesterday. I mean, my camera's not spectacular and I'm a novice and they move pretty fast...but...yeah...here ya go:

Funny man L.

D. on the swing.

Yeah, that book is upside down A.

And some thoughtful, "Aww" getters:

A is for angelic.

L is for looker.

That's all I got...don't take my pictures you don't have permission (just making sure we know that).

lovely days

A day off to sleep in and live without a plan. If sleeping in means trying to stay asleep while the other people in your house make lots of noise and without a plan means just putting off stuff that you probably should get done. That being the case, it's still quite lovely. I'm kind of forcing myself to relax. I'm not usually one of those people that have trouble relaxing so it's a bit strange to have to force it...

I decided I wanted pancakes upon officially awakening. They are hands-down one of my favourite comfort foods, right up there with pizza (Man, I love pizza. Perhaps because I watched so much Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid?). So I decided to try my hand at the recipe Super Wife featured on her blog recently. They were yummy. Although, I think I may have stirred them too much or something equally obsessive compulsive as they weren't all that fluffy. But they were still really good and maybe I'll do better next time. The part where it gets a little icky is that the only syrup in our house is laden with high fructose corn syrup. I didn't want to go syrup-less so I decided I can't be perfect all the time and I would have to pretend I just didn't know. I was very sparing though, just because I pretend it's not there doesn't mean I can drown those pancakes in it and feel good about myself in the morning. I will have to search for good syrup that doesn't have any of that grossness in it. I tend to be a little (ok, more than a little) picky about syrup and the stuff we have was, of course, my favourite. Recommendations are welcome, I'm just saying I'm not really looking forward to this search.

I'll have to start laundry sooner or later...for now I'm doing my running about online checking all those odds and ends I like to read while I watch Dharma and Greg.

Yes, it's a lovely day.

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I have traveled a thousand miles in my heart
At the end of the day
You have brought me back to you again
At the end of the day I am only yours
- "Only Yours," Altar White

For the love of meme

I was actually excited when Becka tagged me for this one, like I said yesterday I've been too tired to think lately and that creates a lack of blog topics. So here we go, the first meme to appear on Paper Wings:

I Am...
a song that must be sung,
a book yet to be written,
a beautiful prize to be won.

I Want...
to be someone's muse,
to clumsily fall in love,
to be a magnetic ball of creativity.

I Have...
a lot to offer,
tons to be grateful for,
love love love.

I Wish...
I was closer to meeting my goals,
I was using my degree,
I had someone to cuddle up to.

I Fear...
certain levels of intimacy,
losing control and losing face,
I've said too much.

I Search...
for security,
for something new,
for loveliness.

I Wonder...
all the time,
about all kinds of things,
until I make myself dizzy.

I Regret...
not being honest before it loses relevance,
being too honest at the wrong moment,
too much.

I Love...
protectively and fiercely over time,
with my guard up,
easily before it gets too deep.

I Ache...
for sleep,
for mutual caring,
privately.

I Always...
lose patience with myself,
tend to be hard to impress,
try to think it through.

I Sometimes...
get clumsy,
cry (and don't tell anyone),
watch the Disney channel.

I Dance...
because I can't help it,
to let go without flying away,
to feel like I am flying away.

I Sing....
because my heart is brimming with music,
because it's my joy and my love,
too often when no one is listening.

I Never...
seem to stop thinking,
"learned" to read (it just happened),
think I'm "normal."

I Rarely...
care too much what other people think,
shy away from bold colours,
take anything seriously.

I Cry...
when it just can't be avoided,
alone when I can help it,
and I've been told it's beautiful...but it's hard to believe.

I Am Not Always...
selfless,
sympathetic,
paying attention.

I Lose...
my mind daily,
people when I talk at times,
at chess because I'd rather go do something else.

I'm Confused...
when there's no common sense,
by some aspects of relationships,
about/by my feelings.

I Need...
to sleep in tomorrow,
to do laundry,
to get out on my own.

I Should...
look for free-lance work,
find more clients,
step up to the microphone.

I'm Thinking...
"I hope my dreams are sweet tonight,"
"I want another Tofutti Cutie,"
"I have so much to do..."

I don't really know who to tag...so if you want to tag yourself, feel free and say I did it.

blank

Is there a limit on how many nervous breakdowns one person gets in a lifetime? If so, I might not be allowed to have any more.

Actually, I feel like I'm doing ok. I am consistently stressed out but I think I'm managing to take it a day at a time. But that might be code for "I am in a daze and not actually completely aware of what is going on around me." I don't like being this tired and absentminded all the time but I'm trying to deal knowing that there's not much I can do that will give me instant gratification on this one.

The thing I have noticed is the amount of food going into my mouth on a daily basis. I have never eaten so much consistently before. Stress eating. In no way does my lack of time to go grocery shopping help this problem. I've been dashing into places and grabbing something I can munch on. My choices aren't usually very unhealthy, but I just eat eat eat. It's probably not the best situation for my budget or my waistline. I'm considering doing a fast. I think it would help get me refocused in a lot of ways. Work on self control and paying attention to what's going on with my head.

I definitely feel that if I'm not making myself aware of what's going on internally then it will all build up on that back burner and then burn my whole house down. I already tend to let things accumulate before I have one big private tearfest in my room once a month or so.

This stressed out sleepy girl needs to get to bed. I keep forgetting all the cool things I planned to to for NaBloPoMo but hopefully they will come back to me. The weekend posts will be better...they've gotta be, right?

Whew...

Perhaps just a need to catch up on sleep as for some reason I could not get much sleep Saturday night. It took awhile to actually fall asleep and then I kept waking up throughout the night. Then yesterday I had trouble finding sleep again, at naptime and bedtime. Today I kept falling asleep in random places. And if you were wondering, when you are supposed to be watching small children, this is not a good thing. Basically, keeping up with them is a bit harder when you keep dozing off. Thankfully, this didn't really hit me until all but one were taking naps and she was in her highchair. Unfortunately, I was still drifting when she was out of her highchair and we were in the playroom.

So I had to make a choice because the simple solution to my problem was the Pepsi vending machine around the corner. Now, as a rule, I tend to stay away from soda as we all know it is the opposite of good for you. And because it's not often that I do have it, it will make me a little sick feeling. But I was so tired I decided to go get a bottle, because I can't be all, "I don't know how she got a bloody nose, I was asleep." I was proud of myself though, as the equivalent of how much I drank was probably three or four shot glasses (out of a whole bottle) and usually I would force myself to drink the whole thing because I spent a whole dollar on it.

It did the trick, I managed to stay alert until the end of the day. I even went to the gym. Hopefully, I will be sleeping soundly tonight and be able to post something super tomorrow, as opposed to this rambling.

oh, yeah...

I just had that Sunday moment, the one I have every Sunday, where I remember, "Oh...I have to go to work tomorrow. Man..."

It's not that I really hate my job, it's that I really, really enjoy my breaks.

And that's life.

flutter

I have this new thing for false eyelashes.

I have always loved the look of long, black-as-night numbers that curl just right. And mine don't take much mascara to achieve this. But recently I tried the false eyelashes for a little extra something and haven't really wanted to not wear them since. Have you tried them? They rock.

Check me out:
They're major and they're here to stay. It's going to be a full-blown addiction.

Break the spell...of the typical

I'm still all a flutter on a Mute Math high.

If you aren't familiar with them, I suggest you get yourself to their MySpace page quickly. Let me warn you, if you don't watch the videos or any live performances you will not fully appreciate all that makes them so fantastic. I got to see them about a year and a half ago (perhaps?) when I was in school in Montgomery and my friend called me and told me to come meet him in Birmingham because there was a band I needed to see. So I borrowed someone else's car and zipped on up there to become totally hooked by the antics I saw at Workplay. It was one of the most incredible shows I had ever seen in my life. And tonight they were here, in my city, playing approximately thirty minutes away and I had to work very hard to control my excitement. This show was bigger, House of Blues was packed. When I saw them at Workplay there was a smaller crowd (but still a good size with obvious fans). They came on tonight and went non-stop, and I was glad to know I hadn't just built them up in my head exaggerating the experience I'd had before. They were and are that awesome.

There is so much energy in the show. No one stays in one place for too long. The sound doesn't fit into a special little box, but you can hear all sorts of influences (The Police not being the least of these). I wish I could just see them live continually, just whenever I felt like it as if I were just heading out for a last minute night on the town. They are one of those must-see groups that you can't get out of your head, and you don't want it gone. It's music you can sink your teeth into.

I could just ramble on for awhile about how much I love them and how good they look as they do it (Paul Meany is hot, I can't help it), but I'll stop myself and go off to get some sleep with dreams filled with dramatic adventures involving music made from light.

P.S. I'll snag some of the photos Nate took on his iPhone and post them later.

Isn't she lovely?

I think I'll take a few minutes to make todays post all about this cool chick I know, Lauren. If you feel so inclined, check out her blog here.

Lauren is one amazing person, as of now she is working full time, starting a photography business with her hubby, training to be a firefighter and getting up super early three days a week to be at rowing practice. And she still manages to keep her apartment cleaner than I would have it if I were doing all those things and cook yummy things to eat.

I don't see how Lauren couldn't be successful at all these things. She has tons of talent and she's been sticking it out with this intense training for the firefighting stuff (plus the rowing, I'm amazed she's actually moving freely when I see her). Don't just take my word on her talent though, check these out for yourself:

One of my favourite portraits she's done of yours truly.

Becka, Lauren's husband (the drummer), and our other friends in Altar White.

Beautiful shot from an intimate wedding they worked.

You can see more of Red Robin Photography on their Flickr page, here. They just keep getting better too, I'm so proud of my friend. Show the love, www.redrobinphotos.com.

Oh, Hallow's Eve...

I am disappointed.

Halloween is my favourite holiday...ok, it's in my top two. Christmas is good too because I love giving presents and wrapping them all pretty (sticky bows suck).

To get back to the disappointment, Halloween was not all I love about it this year. I did not rock the month of October. I didn't carve a pumpkin. I didn't make any awesome tasty treats that had pumpkin in them or could rot your teeth. I didn't decorate anything. I didn't party it up last night with a bunch of close friends in killer costumes. We hung out, but our costumes weren't anything uniquely special.

It was not a day without it's fun though. The kids at school all wore their costumes and went trick-or-treating from classroom to classroom. The babies' costumes were incredibly cute. L. was the cutest pumpkin I have ever seen in my entire life. He would get hot and take the costume off, only to bring it to me a little bit later and have me help him put it back on. A. had this great puppy costume that was a little to big for her so it sagged in places...I guess she was one of those wrinkly breeds. Adorable...and extra cuddly because the fabric was so soft. C. was Scooby-Doo, which was just hilarious times two since he never wanted to take it off and kept running around in his light-up Spiderman sneakers. D. isn't the best at dealing with costumes, so he just had one of those black shirts with the bones on it for a skeleton. I kept kicking myself for forgetting my camera, they were so funny running around in their costumes together.

Next year I hope to do a better job of celebrating, I don't know if I can handle making myself into a liar about how it's a favourite holiday two years in a row.