yuck

So I just went through my groceries and found all the junk that has high fructose corn syrup in it. All I can say is, gross. Since I don't really like the idea of throwing out a bunch of food I'll have to go through it and then be more careful next time.

I feel like every time I go to the store now I'm on the lookout for something else. I don't go to crazy, just legitimately careful. The only problem is how expensive this could be getting for me, I'm not entirely able to spend tons of money of my food right now. And what about when you go out to eat? Do you ask the waiter for a run-down of things that don't have all the junk in it? There aren't a ton of all natural place to eat around here...and those that are, again, cause me to suffer some sticker shock from prices.

Well, my main point was about the corn syrup, the facts are frightening...I think it will be worth the work to cut it out of my diet. I've already cut out meat and dairy...

absence

I've been away from work for about a week now, helping out the lady with the broken leg...I'm starting to miss the babies. I feel like they've probably all grown half a foot and started talking in full sentences by now...but I'm sure they'll be about the same as when I left them last. They are missable little kids, I'll have to try and remember that when I feel exhausted or ready to quit on those days that are a bit rougher than most.

God bless the anesthesiologist

We took mom in for her surgery today. The doctor put all the little pieces on her tibia back together so they can heal properly.

We waited around the hospital for what seemed like an unendurable amount of time, mostly because it was so incredibly cold. I know it's kept so cold to avoid all the bacteria and whatnot, but really.

All that's important though is that mom is doing just fine. She has to stay overnight as it's not the type of thing they book as outpatient surgery, but that's for the best because they can handle her care better at the hospital than we could here. She's been saying she'll go back to school in a week, but the doctor doesn't seem to like that idea too much. It's seems it will probably be better to stick to a two week time period, with overall three months for total recovery.

So keep her in your prayers, all the tough stuff is ahead of us.

organized mess

Many could tell you that I'm a tad bit obsessive compulsive, a few could tell you it goes beyond a tad bit. Going to the grocery store I arrange everything just-so on the little conveyor belt. Having the bag-boy start to unload my cart flusters me and upsets me, but I can't be rude and tell them to leave me alone (plus it just tongue-ties me, so I can't say much of anything). My closet is set-up specifically by color and type of clothing, and everything in drawers is folded just right. There is a routine to many of the things I do, just the daily necessities. But that's not to say that I can't be spontaneous.

And it's not to say that there aren't areas of disorganization in my life. And I've been somewhat inspired by some of Keri Smith's latest blog entries on wish jar to expose them a little...

This is on the side of my bed you can't see when you walk in the door, it's like one of my hiding spots. Mostly all the crafty and artsy things get kept here, things like canvases, my easel, yarn for knitting, and various things I pick up and think I could do something with.

Here's my hope chest, generally things that get set down and picked back up on a daily basis get put here. My calendar there fell off of the wall and I have yet to get something to hang it back up, then the pile of clothes on loan that need to be returned to owners, and my c.d. player that just seemed to find it's home there. Like I said, those things that get moved or used more frequently.

My dresser, all the unopened and opened mail, magazines I haven't looked through, keys, and small paper items get stacked here. Note all the little knick knacks, most of these are things people have given me and I hold onto them because they were thoughtful (but I wouldn't mind not getting any more of those because I'm running out of room for them). Of course some are my things I picked up because of my own fancy, like the wine bottle that just happened to have my named prettily scrolled across the label. There's more little objects on the bookcases and in other places I can find to artistically arrange them.

Finally, there's my bed. I can rarely bring myself to make it, sometimes not even the idea of company coming over can sway me to straighten out the comforter. Perhaps I'm obsessively messy about my bed. It's just so perfectly arranged when I go to climb in at night and everything is exactly how I need it to be cozy and comfortable. All the pillows and blankets molded around to fit where I can slip into blissful dreamy sleep...

So while I may start tidying all the plates and silverware in front of me when I sit down to a meal, making sure they are in alignment and faultlessly distanced, I have my own little beautiful cluttered areas to go home to. What can I say? I'm just a tidy mess in and of myself.

ruby slippers

Meet my newest pair of red shoes. My friends can tell you that I've been wearing them quite a bit. I broke my pinky toe and haven't been able to wear heels, so these little flats have been perfect.

I don't know what it is about red shoes, but they are some kind of addiction to me. Every time I see a pair there is an inner debate about whether or not to snatch them up and run to the check out counter right away. I think I inherited this weakness from my mother (who usually encourages the buy them right away option), and possibly from watching a certain little girl wander through Oz in a pair of ruby slippers.

On my graduation day I wore red heels, fantastic patent-leather open-toed sling backs. Every other person wore black shoes of some kind. In a sea of black, my red shoes made quite the statement. Being on the front row, I got several comments on them from the line-up of professors on stage (along with others that just happened to notice them). This Sunday at church I spent a good amount of my time staring down the most amazing pair of red wedges and trying not to covet. I think I've worn the black pair of these same flats I bought a total of one time...

Perhaps they are the perfect compliment to a personality that is strong and vivid. My red shoes make me feel bolder than usual (not that most people would say I'm not without them), more confident even. They make any outfit that starts off a little mundane or boring exciting and fun. They are the great pop of color that makes me look down and smile.

I'm probably a sucker for most red accessories, but nothing will ever be as fabulous as a good pair of red shoes. Now click your heels together three times and repeat after me...

green as can be...part deux

The pretty colored set is now on sale...such temptation (it's such a good deal)! We'll see if I succumb...

that's no bull

I was just reading through recent entries on Hostess with the Mostess while watching the Marx Brothers (I'm on the sofa next to my mother, who is all drugged up because of her recent knee injury). And clicked on this little link to check out French Bull and take a gander at their lovely stuff. I think my favourite are these salad servers, they come in all sorts of pretty patterns. They also have beautiful gift box sets of their melamine place settings...but with my eclectic style I'd probably want to mix it up with a few of the patterns I can't decide between. I'd also like to point out their incredibly cute and super cool kids plates and juice cups (I wish I had kids just to get some for them).

Now back to my favourite black and white foursome (everybody forgets about Zeppo)...

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Well all the jokes can't be good, you've got to expect that once in awhile. --Groucho Marx

some kneecaps were meant to be broken...

Just got a call from my dad, mom's kneecap is broken. She's going to need surgery...that sucks.

green as can be...

The B&W Green Gift Set from Delight.com.

Things I've had my eye on for some time...in a set and on sale. I'm not able to purchase them now though, how sad is that? I suppose I can add it to the list:
-MacBook
-iPhone
-townhouse in a specific neighborhood
-the Milo sofa (Samovaari print) from Anthropologie
-a bicycle (I haven't picked one out yet)
-a puppy
-super-nice Canon camera (with fancy settings and extra-cool picture taking abilities)
-various lovely things that I'll probably tell you about later...

the Back to School Curse

My mom is a sixth grade Language Arts teacher. Last year she was preparing her classroom/portable for the beginning of school, fell off of a chair and broke her foot. Now we're a little further into back to school season, this year, and we've had another accident. My mom was painting in what was my brother's room and I heard a crash...she fell off the ladder. I found her covered in paint, laying in paint, shocked and in pain. That big patch of paint on the wall was a big gloopy paint splatter...but my dad grabbed a paint brush so it wouldn't dry that way. So, my mom's knee appears to be severely messed up (as in, I-want-to-throw-up-I'm-in-so-much-pain kind of messed up). I sit here awaiting news from the E.R. where my dad has taken her.

Interestingly enough, I brought my mom paint-free clothes to change into to go to the hospital. All relatively cute and nice. If it were me, my make-up would get touched up and my clothes changed to look "presentable," I've done it before. My mom left in a pair of old flannel pajama pants and a slightly over-sized t-shirt...sans make-up. Maybe it's a generational thing...or just because after awhile you decide that it's not important.

If you're painting this week, be careful.

Miss-Mrs.

Please welcome my dear friend Becka to the neighborhood. She just brought her blog, Miss-Mrs., to blogspot. She does some pretty awesome things, maybe I can get her to design something cool for my blog... Check it out, she's guaranteed to make you smile.

Welcome, Becks!

having it out

Fantastically huge fight with my mom tonight. It's just one of those things that has to happen every now and then...really. We're those people that don't bother with problems until we blow up.

I've been very frustrated and angry with her and my family lately. I live with them right now, and communication has been lax so we're driving each other crazy. Everyone wants me to move out, mostly me. Unfortunately, the financial ability that that requires is not really available to me right now. So, we got down to just aiming for it...saving and budgeting and whatnot a little more tightly.

Moving out means so much more than paying rent. There are so many things that my parents pay for while I'm living at home, and once I'm out they stop paying for. To name a few big things:
-Rent
-Gas money (I actually pay that now, but it's such a big deal these days with price of it being what it is)
-Car insurance (mine will be fairly cheap, but still more for me than what I pay now seeing as I'm not the one taking care of it)
-Credit card payments (used it for books and assorted emergencies and such in college, credit sucks)
-Student loan payments (why did I even bother with school?)
-Groceries
-All those things like oil changes, internet, blah blah blah
-Stocking the apartment (I don't have much furniture or dishes to my name, anything like that)

Some of these things my parents might still help with, but none of them are the things higher up on the list. My dad would be the type to bring me groceries just because he was already making a trip, or get my oil changed because he doesn't think I know how, or give me furniture just to do that. But basically, I'd be getting close to spending about the same amount I make in a month on those things.

A big thing is that I'm not interested in roommates. I'm really burnt out on living with other people and I'm really feeling the need for my own space for once. If I move in with someone at this point, I want it to be because we said some marriage vows and will be coming back from a honeymoon. Honestly, if I have to wait a little while for the luxury of my own place that only me and Bluebell call home, so be it...I'll be saving up.

So, my business is pretty crucial to me right now. I've gotta be building my team and selling some stuff so I can get this freedom I'm so interested in. That was one of the main goal anyway...

On a side note...my blog needs more pictures. I'm going to try and do something about that. I should keep my camera with me and share my inspiration...

I heart haircuts

I love when I get to get my haircut, even just a trim. It feels so much nicer and smoother afterwards. So I just booked an appointment for a new one, I have to wait a week and a half! Gives me more time to figure out what I want to do though...any ideas? I think it might be a big change...

Seriously, let me know what you wanna see on my head...

oh Athena

I think this may be my new favourite blog:
http://www.athenasays.typepad.com

It's fantastic, simple and to the point and wonderfully fabulous. When I grow up, I want things like this woman...really though, LOVE her style.

BIG things

My best friend that ever was is going to have a baby! I'm excited because I get to be an aunt! That's all for now, I just felt like sharing the big news. Yay!

subtlety

Sometimes He says "yes," sometimes He says "no," and sometimes He says "wait."

And sometimes He says "yes," but you think He's saying "no," or you wait until you realize He said "no." Or He says "no," but you tell yourself "yes" and go ahead anyway. And sometimes, the answer is none of these...it's a part "yes" part "no" kind of subtlety. Often when it's a "yes" you still have to do your part (that actually goes for "no" too).

Why have we been taught since being little kids that the omnipresent, omniscient, bigger-than-life, greater-than-all, creator of all things God is so easily explained and wrapped up? I wonder why we try the "Will you go out with me, check yes or no" option with the King of kings. I figure if He doesn't fit into a neat little box, His answers don't always either.

Whatever the answer is, I have decided it doesn't hurt to ask. I realized recently that all the things I determine are important to me and that I would like to come to fruition in my life I haven't been praying for. I thought to myself, "How does that make sense? If I want them that badly...shouldn't I be asking the One that can give them to me? Since when can I control all of these things and when did I get the idea that my attempts to find them will go well without a better set of eyes?" So to speak. Honestly, I have to take myself less seriously and take Him more seriously. The most important things in life, my business and financial security, relationships or the want of them, those types of things should be the very things I ask Him to be in charge of. Why wasn't I doing that?

I know it doesn't matter now why I wasn't praying about them, what's good is that someone reminded me to pray about my business and it sparked this whole revelation. So, I've been trying a bit harder to ask God for His help (and to just be given some things) and guidance. And I think I've had a bit of nudging, as far as business is concerned, and that's sweet. I won't be working on Tuesdays anymore, which leaves more time for meetings and phone calls when those that aren't nine-to-fivers can have them. And there's more little stuff like that.

...as for Prince Charming, I haven't seen him yet but sometimes He says "wait."
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Hot Fuzz

...so if you haven't seen this movie yet, make a point to do so. It is hands down the underrated comedy of the year in my book. Really smart and had me laughing so hard, it just kept getting funnier. Five stars.

That's all. Go rent it, you'll thank me.

just ask

trying to find it myself
it escapes me every time --
but I try again

it's many different things
all are so very real
but none are sold

call off the search
I remembered the key --
I forgot to ask

I repent, and --
may I?
will You?
please?

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You must pray that the way be long, full of adventures and experiences. -- Constantine Peter Cavafy

trains, planes, etc.

I think I summed up some of my feelings to Becka earlier today:
"I have my ticket and I'm ready to board, but the train's not here yet."

It's like being on the verge of good things you've always wanted but they aren't available right now. And knowing that at some point, you have absolutely no control over when they get here. Trying not to let the loneliness and the anxiousness overpower you, but become insanely frustrated and unable to communicate it to others that couldn't possibly understand where you're coming from (not that they aren't trying, and heaven knows you're grateful for such attempts to listen and help). It's enough to make a girl go mad just thinking about it, because you're not quite sure how to make it better...even to do one little thing now that will help get you past this point while you're doing all the things that are going to pay off later but don't show much result right away.

It's difficult to sum up how I've been, because it's a different answer for every different area. I'm excited about one thing and pretty low about another. I start to think about all the things that I want to do and get very frustrated at not being able to do them for one reason or another (and there have been attempts to do them), and all the little complications add up and I get angry and frustrated. I don't know if I've ever had such a difficult time trying to explain how I feel or not known how to "fix" it. And maybe it's just today and tomorrow I'll feel better...maybe.

What the hail?

I was caught in a hailstorm today. It was crazy. I was driving home and it start beating up the car. I don't think I have ever driven in hail before.

I feel a little disappointed by today, a little bit by the week. But, some of it is lesson to me to do more and work harder. I can't really count on people to work around my schedule, I have to work mine around them. And...I can't get all caught up in organizing and forgetting about the bigger stuff (i.e. people). I must commit myself and ignore nerves! Right? Right.

The 11th of September

I have been lagging in my attempts to post consistently...I will try to do better.

Today is September 11th, flags are raised only half-way, organized moments of silence are prevalent, and everyone is sharing stories of the heroes, the ones that were lost, and where they were that day.

I am not usually a patriotic person, I am fairly apathetic towards America on a daily basis. But in 2001, when the towers fell I was genuinely proud of this country. I remember how our president (who I don't generally agree with) showed great character and took a stand. I was amazed to see Americans everywhere rallying around one city and those that lost so much. I loved that no one around me took on a "run and hide" attitude, they all stood together. People that usually fight over everything stuck together over this one thing. It was like one event brought a huge country of extremely diverse people and for the first time in a long time made them remember that we are all connected. So when we remember now we don't just think back on the people who suffered and lost their lives with sadness, but with pride. And if I am patriotic just one day out of 365, I have no shame saying that this is it.

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History is important.

changeling

As a habit, I change a lot. It has to do with a deep sense of introspectiveness and a desire to be better. I've been looking over the past year or so (or longer) and am realizing exactly how different I've become. It's all good too, I'm exceptionally happy with where I am now and the fact that I'm getting better like good wine is a nice feeling. If you were around me a lot you would see these things, and I wonder if you would start to feel like you could never fully know me because once you got me all figured out the latest upgrades would appear.
The most wonderful thing has happened amidst my ever-shifting self, I became comfortable with it. And it almost seems as if the biggest upsets are behind me and I can focus on the things I want to. I am centered and just fine with whatever happens around me. I used to be quite the creature of fear. A year ago, if I had been presented with Arbonne to start my own business I would have run away and now I greet it with nervous excitement. The same goes for new challenges in my current job, music, art, family, and relationships. So many things are going on in my life, and I am OK with each and every one of them. The things that depress me only do so for a day or so and I can easily tell myself, "We'll see how things go tomorrow, it'll be a new day." Previously, I would have been insecure and upset for days trying to sort it all out. I've found my niche, where I don't freak out about problems and look for a solution instead.
All I can say is that it is oh-so-very nice.
And should you be the type resistant to change or unable to recognize it in other people, I think you should work on that. Embrace the immutability that is life and keep getting to know people, even if you've known them for years they can't be the same -- and neither can you. Keep giving everyone (which, yes, includes you) more chances to get it right or make it better.

I'm really into this song right now, and usually I would just take a piece of it and use it as the quote at the end of the entry...but I really want to post most of it:

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
-- KT Tunstall, "Suddenly I See"